The Dream Machine

My husband gave me a new alarm clock for my birthday last week. There were several other gifts that I loved, but this one kind of rocked my world.

"Finally you won't have to smash the buttons anymore...AND you'll be able to see what time it is!" He was grinning ear to ear, proud of this gift, knowing this was something I had needed for a long time.

I hesitated.

Yes, my alarm clock had seen better days. Yes, sometimes the buttons called for back up reinforcement (thank you very much Sharpie pen cap). And yes, the digits on the little screen were getting hard for me to read in my old age...but I haven't had the heart to part with it.

I invested in the Sony Dream Machine in the summer of 1997 just before I headed off to college. I used my graduation money because I knew better than to ask my parents for a $100 alarm clock. I chose this one because it had a digital screen AND I could either wake up to the buzzer OR music. Bonus: I didn't have to guess what station it was on because again, it was digital, and I had total control. Score.

The Dream Machine has been next to my bed for 19 years. At times I've joked that this alarm clock is the one thing that's been with me for almost my entire adulthood (if you can count college as adulthood?!) Even my favorite pieces of jewelry haven't stuck around this long.

I think the look on my face gave it away...was I ready to pull the plug on the Dream Machine and replace it with a shinier, newer model? I felt conflicted. It might sound silly, but clearly I have an emotional connection to this alarm clock.

Memories flooded my heart...good ones and bad. The best moments of my life have been witnessed by this alarm clock, along with moments when my heart was breaking into a million pieces. The Dream Machine woke me up on the day my parents got divorced, the day I graduated from college, they day I packed up my life and moved to Georgia, my first day of school as a teacher, my wedding day in 2005, the day I started my own company, the day I become a mother, the day we buried my mother in law, the day I realized I was having a nervous breakdown, the day I knew I had to leave my marriage, my first day as a "single mom", the day I surrendered my life to God again, the day I felt like I could finally breathe again, the day we signed our book deal, the day I met my {now} husband Clay, the day I fell in love again...I could go on.

The Dream Machine has been through 19 years of dreams with me...some have worked out better than others. While I have grown through the tears and the joy, this little black box has stayed the same.

I had a completely different post planned for this week's blog, but for some reason I felt led to share this instead. Is it crazy to feel so connected to something that just plugs into a wall? Are my sentiments random and crazy or is there something in your life you've held on to, solely for the memories it holds?

I pulled the plug on Friday night. A shiny new alarm clock with big digital numbers and fancy buttons now sits next to my bed. I am ready to embrace this next phase of my life, finally letting go of something that I've held on to for so long. I know the next 19 years will be filled with wonderful new memories as I continue to dream.

As for the Dream Machine? I've retired it to my office...because it still works and you never know when you'll need back up :)

Once Upon a Time...

Once upon a time I had a neighbor. We'll call her Sally, just for fun.

Sally lived next door to me, she had two boys, a husband (we'll call him Joe) and a dog. Our kids were close in age so we would typically chat on the sidewalk, supervising bicycle accidents and standard cul-de-sac shenanigans. Nothing too personal, just generic friendly neighbor chat.

I'll never forget the Halloween Sally and I got to rrreeeallllly know each other. Her husband had taken a group of kids around the neighborhood on a hay ride (mine included) and we were left hanging on the front porch together. Conversation was flowing naturally, and then she dropped the bomb.

"Joe doesn't want me hanging out with you...he's afraid you're going to convince me to divorce him."

I was completely shocked. What??? Did she really just say that? Yes, yes, indeed, she did. Then I realized something I had been oblivious to before...

I was "the one"...the token neighborhood single girl who had the guts to leave her husband, file for divorce, and move on with her life. On top of it all, I was in the process of co-writing a book about helping women survive and navigate the divorce process. My strength and courage intimidated this man. What a shame.

At that time I knew nothing about their marriage, but the thought of him intentionally keeping his wife from me was somewhat concerning. Time passed and I got to know the real Sally. She opened up, shared her heart, and was completely vulnerable with me. I think I was the only person in the world who didn't judge her for the truths her life was. I was the unconditional friend who could listen without judgement, the one person in her world who could possibly understand what she was going through.

Truth be told, her husband was extremely abusive and controlling (shocker), and after their move across town into their "dream home" filled with fancy furniture and all the fixins, she finally got the guts to walk away.

Newsflash, Joe...her decision to leave you had nothing to do with me...in fact, the truth is I encouraged her to stay. I prayed for her. I prayed for YOU. I encouraged her to seek counseling, to go to church and to dig into her Bible...I even shared my dating disaster stories with her, in hopes that she would see the truth...the grass is not always greener.

When I tell people I have co-written a book about divorce the initial reaction is "ohhhhhhh..."Like it's a hush-hush kind of thing. I've gotten used to this reaction, especially living in the south where the word "divorce" is just as bad as dropping the f-bomb.

The truth is this...just because we wrote a book about divorce doesn't mean we're running around town telling women to leave their husbands. If anything we are encouraging them to do the work to try and save their marriages.

Our goal in writing The Ex-Wives' Guide to Divorce was to HELP women not only survive the divorce process but recognize there can be some light at the end of that really dark, scary tunnel. Is the tunnel full of rainbows and unicorns? Absolutely not. But nothing in life is.

xoxo Holiday

Ex-Wives Guide to Girlfriends

Last week I was treated to a piece of heaven by my Girlfriends, in St. Thomas, at The Ritz.  One of "The Girlfriends" {as we call ourselves} had a free place for us to stay, in St. Thomas, at The Ritz.

And to put a cherry on top of that rum filled, sugar rimmed paradise place to stay in St. Thomas, at The Ritz {I think I keep repeating this because it hasn't really sunk in yet even though I'm already home...} one of my closest Girlfriends purchased my plane ticket for me in exchange for some writing and social media help I had given her over the past year. {Personally, I think I might have gotten the better end of that deal...}

You know, only the kind of thing a bonafied, genuine, forever kind of friend would do.  Because she and the other Girlfriends didn't want me to have to miss out yet again on the bi-annual trip...  Or maybe they just missed having someone to poke fun of because I normally provide a wide runway for my crash landings.

I missed the last two big Girlfriends trips because of things out of my control {tumors, divorce b.s., financial issues thanks to divorce b.s., and being really sick}.  And it sucked.  Suckedy sucked sucked sucked.  Mostly because I had missed out on making memories that stay fresh in the mind, but tight on the lips {as in with a BIG key} with forever friends of 20 - 40yrs like these Girlfriends who ALWAYS have your back. 

Trips with easy breezy, side splitting, loud laughing, snorting kind of fun times, 

mostly reserved for the ones who know too much so they will always be your friends.
Good times or bad, these gals are there for you.
Although each in a different way, they still would help you bury the body.
{Just kidding!!}

But this year I was going to be there in the flesh and not just in spirit with the Girlfriends to help laugh and snort and get into as much PG13 trouble as we could possibly stir up in the USVI's.  PG13 because all of us are 40+ and R rated just takes wayyyyy to much effort.

I had someone to watch my son {thanks Granma Clarkie!} was already assigned a side to a bed {sorry Kim for the snoring!} and ticketed {thanks Sunny!}.  Not even a hurricane was going to keep me away from the U.S.V.I's and The Girlfriends bi-annual trip.  Okay, well maybe a hurricane would have because I think they have rules and stuff about flying into the eye of a hurricane, but ONLY a hurricane.

There I was, day one, slung back in the type of hammock you drool over in Travel & Leisure, staring at paradise in St. Thomas, at The Ritz, {yep... still not reality} sipping my "Italian Ice" comprised of proof filled goodness next to my Girlfriends.  As I stared out into the Caribbean waters swirling with teal and azure blue, the colors my eyes both tried to soak up and mimic like a chameleon,  I started thinking about the book I co-wrote, The Ex-Wives Guide to Divorce.

More specifically, when writing the book, some of the content seemed to literally crash onto the computer screen with as much force as the waves before me in colors so bright that only God or the Universe could have created them.

It was as if those words had already been written,

and I was being used as a conduit in getting it down on paper. 

Especially in the Chapter "Choose Your Crew".  

See I was charged with editing as well as stringing together the ENTIRE book of what H and I had written - and in the final moments before the big turn-in date to our publisher I noticed something missing.  Although our ENTIRE book was a tribute and homage to Girlfriends and women on a whole - we didn't really go into detail as to the exact detailed type of Girlfriends we should have by our side during a divorce or marriage shake up!

The Girlfriends that of course have your back NO MATTER WHAT, but yet each bring something different to the table {or in the instance of divorce when you feel like the ship is sinking...}.

So I decided to add an entire section to our chapter H had mostly written... 

and the words came flowing out as beautifully colored as the Caribbean shades of blue before me. 

And I might be so bold to declare...  It was my FAVORITE section of not only that chapter, but the entire book.  Because describing each type of Girlfriend you want in your lifeboat to help you both weather the storms and help steer you to sunnier skies throughout life was easy peasy for me, as The Girlfriends sitting now lined up next to me one by one, beach chair by beach chair, were my living examples.

To my immediate right was C Money - A combination of a "Straight Shooter" and "Fun Friend".  Many a night during my first two divorces she would do my makeup - make me get out of my comfy pants - and strap me in her convertible blaring music while "Goin' a hundred, on the highway, so get the f#@! out of my way".  Fun was our priority, and damn if we weren't going to have it.  On the other hand she was also a Straight Shooter - if I started to complain or bemoan about my soon to be Ex - she was the first to point out "Well you knew he argued for a living, so why on earth were you surprised when all he wanted to do was argue with you?"  Much needed just deal with it and quit complaining advice.

Then there was Sunny - my "In The Weeds" Girlfriend that was willing to do the heavy lifting when all I had the ability to do was breathe. One particular time when I was at best a lump on the sofa, she brought over a gourmet pot pie, a couple bags full of groceries to re-stock my fridge, as well as her Dyson ball vacuum cleaner.  All because I told her that if I had the strength (or Doctors permission) I wished I could get on my hands and knees and thoroughly clean my floors.  So guess what she did - Dysoned and scrubbed every inch of my floors.  Like all good "In The Weeds" friends would do.

 Next to Sunny were Theresa and Janet, not Girlfriends I see all the time because one lives in a different state, and one is an International flight attendant.  However, through every divorce, every life change, every anything in my life {as well as everyone else's} they are the ones that are the super duper "Listener Friends".  When anyone is stressed, or scrambled, or confused - they whip out the flashlight to help guide you back to sanity while your mouth and thoughts run a mile a minute.  They both are the types that listen until nothing more can come out {thankfully}, and then offer to listen more if that's what you need.  Because they are extraordinary women.

And last but not least stretched out was Kim - who although I don't see her as often due to location as well - is my "Safe House" friend.  No matter what I {or anybody else for that matter} tell her, she is there to listen and not judge.  Although she herself is very conservative, anything that even fringes on cray cray is okay kay with her - because she is there to love and support and your side is the only side as far as she is concerned.

AND I know all of YOU have the exact type of friends,

and if you have ever been through a challenging time or divorce,

they were the ones that made sure you and your ship didn't sink.

There is your glance into proudly what is my bestest {I know bestest is not a word but it should be} section I personally wrote - and you'll find much more in the book The Ex-Wives Guide to Divorce.

{IS IT AUGUST 16th YET?!?  OUR RELEASE DATE CAN'T COME FAST ENOUGH!}

These Girlfriends had been there to support me through 3 divorces, 2 rounds with a tumor kicking my ass, 4 moves within the last 4 years during and after my latest divorce, and ONE really big financial devastation.  MAJOR dips in my life.  And now they were sitting next to me, here in paradise, during one of the best times in my life - the year I was healthy and would get to see my dream {BOOK} come to life.

So, I leave you with this - if I am ever quoted in the press or remembered for the legacy of this book, I hope it's for my quote below.  This one not only goes out to "The Girlfriends" - but to all of YOU.  May your Girlfriends always be the ones to share and support your ups and downs through both the storms and sunshine of life.

LOVE, Valerie {a.k.a Ex-Wife #1 and Topsy to The Girlfriends}

"In my opinion. family sees you for who you used to be and who you are today.  

Friends tend to see you for who you should or will be.  

It's as if they have had a secret viewing into the depths of your soul 

and the universe has sent them the key to help you unlock 

that authentic girl out from where she's hiding" - Valerie Shepherd

Mother's Day Hooky

I'm playing hooky.

That's right...I'm officially ditching reality for a week and trading it for some time in Florida with my kids. And my mom. It's Mother's Day weekend, and for the past 9 years (yep, my oldest just turned NINE) Mother's Day has only felt complete when I could be with my mom. Last month during a last minute trip home (again, escaping reality) I realized life was just too short to miss another Mother's Day without her. 

I can't help but reflect back on my first Mother's Day. I was "happily" married, exhausted, recovering from a c-section, bloated and overwhelmed with this idea of being a mom. My daughter had just been born (she's an April baby), so I had only been in the trenches of mommyhood for a few weeks. Regardless of the exhaustion, she did have an adorable sailor outfit courtesy of Gymboree (hello, cutest baby clothes ever!)

Can you see the look on my face? I'm so happy but so tired...my cheeks were so chubby you can barely see my smile...but oh, that outfit...!

I remember thinking/worrying...  
How in the world am I ever going to pull this off?
What if I screw her up? I want her to be happy...
How can I be the best mommy and still take care of myself?
Where does being a wife fit in to being a mom?
How am I going to take care of my husband AND this baby?

and then here's the kicker...this was my greatest fear (and also the thought  that launched me into counseling...)
WHAT IF WE GET DIVORCED?

It wasn't like I thought about this all the time, but I would be lying if I didn't admit this fear circled my brain on a regular basis. Having come from parents who divorced after 22 years, the reality of staying married "forever" was broken the day my mom and dad told me they were splitting up. Rightfully so. They seemed perfect for each other. 22 years and an awesome family- what more could you want? Now that I'm a mother (and an adult, who's been through a divorce herself), I understand. I can see the big picture.

I remember my first counseling session like it was yesterday. I remember it so clearly, sitting on her couch, breaking down into tears. "My biggest fear is that I will end up divorced."

She looked at me with a gentle smile and said, "Okay...let's talk about that..."

So we did. For many years.

She helped me realize that divorce was not the end of the world. She reassured me that even if divorce "happened", I would be okay. My daughter would be okay. And the world would continue to turn. Seven years (and another baby) later, tucked away in my gigantic master bedroom closet, I made the call to her...I was leaving.

I don't remember my first Mother's Day as a single mom. I really don't. In fact I'm pretty sure I blocked it out. But what I do know is that the world has continued to turn, my girls are better than great, and life is good. Far from perfect, but definitely good. Now I am happily celebrating Mother's Day as both a mom and a step-mom, and I am surrounded by people I love on a daily basis. Married, divorced, single, or "it's complicated" doesn't really matter.

I hope the stories Valerie and I share with you through this blog will be a source of encouragement, a little twinkling of light to represent what will be a bright future for you. Maybe you're in the midst of divorce, preparing to face your first Mother's Day without your husband...maybe you're mourning the loss of your mother, or the death of your marriage. Maybe your mother is crazy and your life is a train wreck...

Whatever it may be, let me save you a hefty counseling bill...you're going to be okay.

This Mother's Day embrace the life you are living today. Like Valerie said in her last post...put the nail in the coffin and move on. Hug your babies. Call your mom. Do something you love.

Life is Good!

Stop... Hammer Time.

It's seems like 2016 has had certain things up it's sleeve for me...   

Exes.

Ex-Boyfriends, More Ex-Boyfriends, Ex-Careers, Ex-Parents {more on that later},
Ex-Wives / Ex-Girlfriends of my Ex-Boyfriends {these gals rock!!}

 Ex-Family Members I've Realized Put The Ole' in Asshole'

{I'm currently thinking about getting a trademark on that gem of a term},
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY Ex-Stories I have held on to for just a little too long...

Exes have been popping out of the wood work left and right, backwards and forwards, all with surprisingly positive reasons for assaulting me and my well-rehearsed story I've told about why I label them / it "EX". 

So I'm left wondering what on God's green earth is causing this sudden upheaval of my some-what apocalyptic past all within the past four months of 2016.  That same "past" I had hoped I had nicely swept under the rug so I could be left un-bothered to spin my story and move on as I saw fit.

Was I living in the Michael Jackson Thriller video in which the dead had been summoned to dance and moon walk their way back into and all over my heart as well as my present life as I knew it - just as they had in the past?  {btw Best.  Video.  Ever.  I might possibly be okay with this}

Was my sign of Pisces not only in retrograde, but possibly stuck in reverse retrograde zipping me 180mph backwards faster than I ate a jumbo bag of Twizzlers last night towards finally making me confront and deal with what was left, well, undone?

It was as if the Universe decided that in order for me to truly move forward I had to visit my past,

get out the ol' hammer, and finally put some nails in a coffin {or seven}.  

Those stories I created which left open lids and equally as open mouths once I told them

needed to be nailed down and buried for good.

 Stories I have spun and spewed more times than a 

Starbucks Moccamaster Machine 

spits out heaven in a cup on any given morning in suburbialand. 

Stop.... Hammer Time.

Not going to lie here, not even for the sake of "looking" good.  

At first I was semi-flattered all these Ex - fill in the blanks were appearing out of thin air.  Just as all of us are when an "Ex" anything contacts or finds it's way back to us for a good purpose.  It's as if the stale breadcrumb trail we haphazardly laid down by not putting the last nail in the coffin, like we knew we should have, had finally been scooped up and low and behold there we were "found".

And being found, you have to admit, besides feeling a teensy bit like flattery, gives the overwhelmingly large feeling of a semi-sorta validation. In some shape or ego fluttering form.

For me it was:

Validation that my father walked away 33yrs ago and stayed away because of his "issues".
 Validation that I hadn't lost it {whatever the hell "it" was}.
Validation that I was an ex-girlfriend worth reaching back out to.  

Validation that I was right to leave or that they shouldn't have let me go.   

Validation that certain family members truly deserved to take a long walk off a short pier.

Validation that I didn't just dream I used to have a super big career.

Validation that even though I had a couple of sucky Ex-Boyfriends, 

I was considered friendship material by their Ex-Wives or other Ex-Girlfriends they also had

{helllloooo... that might be the most flattering of them all!}.

Validation AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, that all of the past "stories" I had created 

belonged exactly where they came from - the past - and my hammer hit each nail one by one

{finafreakinlutely}.

                                                                                                                                                            

 
Validation, validation, validation. Validation that we once were, and continue to be, worthy of affections and attentions, despite what has, had, or continues to happen.

And I ask you honestly...  Whenever an EX anything comes back into your life is there a "story" you have been telling yourself that you are hoping to validate or prove true?
Like when your Ex-Boyfriend / Husband admits he really did miss you but was too proud to admit?
GOOD :)  MY STORY WAS RIGHT!
Or that you were correct ten years back about them cheating on you?
BAD :(   MY STORY WAS TRUE!
Or how about getting recruited back into your old industry even though your vindictive Ex-manager said you would never again find work in the field again if you left?
GOOD :)  MY STORY WAS SPOT ON YOU JACKA#$!

It feels good to validate the story you have been telling for so long...  dare I say as good as dark chocolate and red wine on a Wednesday night {yes, that good}.

But if we stop, just for a minute, and put down the dark chocolate and red wine {geeez - just for a minute!!} what is the TRUE benefit of getting a validated story, WE made up, based on a couple of facts, that we interpreted based on OUR PERSONAL REALITIES...  {see where we are going here...?}

Move, slide your rump, just for a minute let's all do the bump, bump, bump.
{seriously, who doesn't love MC Hammer, who probably has some hammering to do himself...} 

Stop, Hammer time! 

 

I'd rather have my 7yr old poke a fork in my eye or mess up my 

once a month manicure than have to deal with the fact I should have just 

put the final nail in the coffin and buried it / them / whatever happened 

instead of letting the story I created run my life as I know it.  

{Both of those scenarios would cause both physical and mental agony for me}.

So if I'm offering you a solution to avoid your own Thriller video of sorts, I'd challenge you to make the phone call to who you left the last nail un-hammered for or write a letter and then burn it {responsibly over your sink or something!!!} letting the story go - for good this time.

Ohhhh, for example, say call your father that walked away 33yrs ago and didn't even speak to you at his own mother's funeral {a.k.a. Granma} last summer, because in reality YOU COULD HAVE SPOKE TO HIM ALSO...  That's right.  Most times the story we tell doesn't include you taking responsibility for your actions or choices.  Once and for all, put a nail in the proverbial coffin and bury the story you have told for years why he left you and your family for good.

Now doesn't that feel good knowing what "could have" or "should have" or "most likely could" no longer control your past, present, or future self?  They or it left for a reason.  Put the hammer on the nail and shut it close damn it!  Because if we trust in the Universe that is where it belongs - in our past.

Don't mess up your fabulous self by trying to validate or vindicate.  No good ever comes of this, especially to you...  Need an extra nail?  I have some extras you can borrow...

Love, V
{Valerie of The Ex-Wives}

   

2016: Year of Confessions and Promises

Confession:  We've missed writing to all of you lovely ladies {and a couple gentlemen!} on our EWG blog as we wrote non-stop on our book and other workee type stuffee the past 10 months.  We hope you missed laughing at, I mean, with us.  

Promise:  We are officially back out of writing book hibernation. {That did not involve any long periods of sleeping sadly - I actually was jealous of bears in caves during the past 10 months.}

See, here at all things Ex-Wives Guide Holiday {Ex-Wife #2} and I {Ex-Wife #1} 

have been really busy.  

Busy as in our book was officially turned in to our agent, then forwarded to publisher, then edits done {mostly}, and our happy little get ready for the launch machine is going to start spittin' out smoke screeching with deeeeelight because it's about to go straight into Over-DRIVE.  Oh Yeahhhhh {pretend the Kool-Aid Man just said that...}.

So here is what you can officially expect from The Ex-Wives in 2016:
- More really fun, introspective, enlightening, sometimes snarky, mostly encouraging FB posts.
- More contests  {that's right ladies...  get out the old lucky rabbits foot from your memory chest and start rubbing!}
- More blog posts - because we know you definitely don't want to make the mistakes we have made.  You are welcome.
- More details about the book we all wish we had when we were going through divorce but can now buy, read, share with women we love and support coming out 8/2016.
- More more more {classes, info, cake - not sure how cake fits in but it just should}

Thank you for hanging in there and hanging out {and bringing quite a few friends!} with us since we started our mission to arm women with advice and information on how to successfully navigate the process of divorce and most importantly...

HOW TO MOVE FORWARD IN A POSITIVE, I ROCK EVEN THOUGH 

I MIGHT NOT WEAR A ROCK ANYMORE, SMILE EVERY DAY KIND OF WAY.

2016 will indeed be a year of CONFESSIONS and PROMISES for The Ex-Wives, and not the kind you have to gulp back crappy wine out of a communal cup to absolve yourself of or hold onto like a unicorn gone wild jumping over a technicolor rainbow of Skittles.  Although that second part would be really cool because I really like Skittles...  

PROMISE #1:  Expect a rockin' blog post tomorrow that will make you look at your HAMMER in a new way.  {hint hint hint buy some nails now}

CONFESSION #1:  An ex-boyfriend's ex-wife recently reached out to me and has reminded me yet again...  Women and single moms need to stick together.  Because even though you shared a "past" - doesn't mean you can't lift each other up for a better "future".  Oh and also meet at some point for a glass of joe or wine{sss} to not only get closure but use your hammer.  {hint hint hint AGAIN go buy nails, like now}

xo  Valerie {Ex-Wife #1}