2016: Year of Confessions and Promises

Confession:  We've missed writing to all of you lovely ladies {and a couple gentlemen!} on our EWG blog as we wrote non-stop on our book and other workee type stuffee the past 10 months.  We hope you missed laughing at, I mean, with us.  

Promise:  We are officially back out of writing book hibernation. {That did not involve any long periods of sleeping sadly - I actually was jealous of bears in caves during the past 10 months.}

See, here at all things Ex-Wives Guide Holiday {Ex-Wife #2} and I {Ex-Wife #1} 

have been really busy.  

Busy as in our book was officially turned in to our agent, then forwarded to publisher, then edits done {mostly}, and our happy little get ready for the launch machine is going to start spittin' out smoke screeching with deeeeelight because it's about to go straight into Over-DRIVE.  Oh Yeahhhhh {pretend the Kool-Aid Man just said that...}.

So here is what you can officially expect from The Ex-Wives in 2016:
- More really fun, introspective, enlightening, sometimes snarky, mostly encouraging FB posts.
- More contests  {that's right ladies...  get out the old lucky rabbits foot from your memory chest and start rubbing!}
- More blog posts - because we know you definitely don't want to make the mistakes we have made.  You are welcome.
- More details about the book we all wish we had when we were going through divorce but can now buy, read, share with women we love and support coming out 8/2016.
- More more more {classes, info, cake - not sure how cake fits in but it just should}

Thank you for hanging in there and hanging out {and bringing quite a few friends!} with us since we started our mission to arm women with advice and information on how to successfully navigate the process of divorce and most importantly...

HOW TO MOVE FORWARD IN A POSITIVE, I ROCK EVEN THOUGH 

I MIGHT NOT WEAR A ROCK ANYMORE, SMILE EVERY DAY KIND OF WAY.

2016 will indeed be a year of CONFESSIONS and PROMISES for The Ex-Wives, and not the kind you have to gulp back crappy wine out of a communal cup to absolve yourself of or hold onto like a unicorn gone wild jumping over a technicolor rainbow of Skittles.  Although that second part would be really cool because I really like Skittles...  

PROMISE #1:  Expect a rockin' blog post tomorrow that will make you look at your HAMMER in a new way.  {hint hint hint buy some nails now}

CONFESSION #1:  An ex-boyfriend's ex-wife recently reached out to me and has reminded me yet again...  Women and single moms need to stick together.  Because even though you shared a "past" - doesn't mean you can't lift each other up for a better "future".  Oh and also meet at some point for a glass of joe or wine{sss} to not only get closure but use your hammer.  {hint hint hint AGAIN go buy nails, like now}

xo  Valerie {Ex-Wife #1}

That Girl is Gone

Here at The Ex-Wives Guide we pretty much like to beat a dead horse when it comes to 2 things:

1.  Organize, organize, organize when it comes to getting a legal divorce 

- it is a business transaction not an emotional transaction - 

so hike up the Big Girl Panties and treat it as such. 

{a.k.a. bye bye thong}

2.  Time heals.  No seriously - it does.  

{like really really does}

Maybe it's been all the grey and cold and rain here in Atlanta lately, but I have really {like really really} been thinking about how so many women I know are seriously selling themselves short {like really really short}.

It's as if they don't know their worth…

So, I'm about to add a 3rd thing to that above list:

3.  Know your worth.

{defined by you and only you}

And to me this is scary.  Scary not just because it is the ONE THING I implore all of us to hold true to ourselves, but especially scary because I would lob myself onto that court of confusion lately.

You know someone's struggling with their worth when you find yourself saying things to them like I've said this week.
To my Girlfriend on the fence with her 'boyfriend':
"If you found his profile active on Match and Tinder, small hunch here, but my guess is it wasn't just out of his claimed "curiosity".  It's because he's dating or looking to date other people."
Or my new personal favorite, what I wisely said to a girlfriend last night regarding her ex-boyfriend:
"If you're not worth a muffin, what are you worth?" {I actually said this…}

Or sadly this one said to me by H referring to my Organization business:
"V - Do you not understand you, your time, and rock star skills are worth something?  If you can't see that, how do you expect your clients to?"

Why are these strong, beautiful, kind hearted women that shine brighter than the stars turning into this?  That Girl who doesn't know her Worth seems to be overtaking our city like the measles took over Disneyland.  {Don't even get me started on that one…}

Why am I turning into this, simply because a client of mine is looking to re-define her needs?  I've known for years I either need to grow wings for my business, or look at different paths, but neither of these should have anything to do with another's choices.  They should have to do with mine.  What is That Girl scared of for Pete's sake - I have been a successful business woman for many years - haven't I?!?

Failure.  That's what all of us are scared of.  We don't want to "fail" at one more single thing.  Not.  One.  More.  Because for some reason we would rather carve away at our self-worth than grab the chisel and stab the M.F. who is wearing us down.

At some point we need to machete our way through the fields of dreams that didn't come true, and pre-conceived notions, and b.s., and everything we have been told by others we are not.  Because Girlfriends - we are.

That's right.  We are.  We are worthy.

Worthy of our own love {as well as others}.  Worthy of our own beliefs.  Worthy of our own f'ing support.

And it is not their fault we can't see our own worth - the husbands, ex-husbands, boyfriends, ex-boyfriends, clients, bosses, co-workers, nosy neighbors,  _____ {insert here}.  It is ours.  We need to realize the only person we have to point the finger at is ourselves.  That's right - I said it.

The Boyfriend didn't fail my friend because he was on Match and Tinder, she failed herself by not knowing her self worth and kicking him to the curb the minute she saw it instead of making up the excuse blurb.

The Ex-Boyfriend didn't fail my other friend because he made a dozen bran muffins from his Grandma's recipe one morning and refused to share with her.  That's right - wouldn't give her one freaking muffin.  Claimed he needed them "to last the week - that's why I made twelve".  Unless he was the most constipated 45 year old male on the planet, I highly doubt he couldn't have given up one of his precious bran muffins to not only the lovely girl he had been dating for months, but someone he had just shared his bed with last night.  She failed herself by not grabbing the muffin pan and hurtling every single bran muffin out the front door into the perfectly manicured bushes, and then sashaying herself out the front door behind them.  Instead she just told him okay and chipped a little more at her boundaries and self-worth.  {I personally would have picked up one of the bran muffins out of the bushes and ate it for dramatics.  Again - the movie reel in my head definitely has a leading lady when I'm in the Oscar zone.}

Because as I said before…  If you're not worth a muffin, what are you worth?

We need to stop looking to others to define us.
We need to change the movie reel in our head and start playing our own leading ladies {damsels in distress are always the first to be killed off anyways}.
We need to stop letting others define our worth.
We need to realize our intuition and soul will never guide us wrong - stop blindfolding/silencing them - they know a thing or two.

If you can't see that you are worthy, then call a girlfriend, she'll tell you.  And if she doesn't steer you straight down the path of re-discovering your self-worth then run away from her.  As fast as you can.  Like your hair is on fire or somebody screamed first one over here gets free Christian Louboutin shoes.

And while you're at it - runaway from the girl you used to be - the one that doesn't know her worth. Because That Girl is Gone.

We run away from That Girl because chances are pretty good that that she:

- avoided red flags

- didn't draw strong enough boundaries, personally or emotionally

- was so tired of the b.s. she just constantly felt drained - and it's easier to make excuses then take action 

- woke up or went to bed with serious dread, daily, thinking "Is this really all I'm worth?"

- was putting her time and energy into things, people, and thoughts that were not worthwhile

- was spending more effort trying to control others as opposed to just controlling herself
- wanted someone to save her when in reality if she would have just played the leading lady she would have won an Oscar by now

- MOST IMPORTANTLY - represents someone whom we don't want to be anymore.

And I was 'That Girl" in my last marriage.  And it seems I am becoming "That Girl" in some of my relationships.  Letting them drive the Mack Truck of my self-worth while loudly blowing out a big ol' woo woo on the trucker horn - with me just sitting in the backseat wishing and fishing instead of fighting and righting.

Now might be one of those times we grab the chisel and stab ourselves instead of the M.F..  Okay maybe something less bloody or gross would be more ideal, but whatever get's the mind going to remind ourselves of how far we have come and exactly what we are worth.  As in how far we have run away from That Girl.

If you would have told me 3 years ago {in the throngs of a very contentious divorce, wondering if I would be able to afford anything, suffering daily from serious health issues} that my son and I would be in a community we love and I had made my dream come true of being a published writer while staying self-employed as an Organizer…  I seriously doubt I would have believed you.

But it's true.  I did it.  Left 'That Girl' who was not going to be defined by the bad choices of another and created the life my soul envisioned and yearned for.  My self-worth carried me through hard times.  And she'll probably have to do it again.  Like now.  So I better start treating her better and shut the hell up and listen when she's trying to speak to me.

Woo woo - did you hear that?  That was me honking my own trucker horn from the drivers seat.

And it's true.  My Girlfriends are not seeing their worth.  These are beautiful girls {inside and out of course} that have had big careers, count their good friends on both hands, have supportive families, have battled strokes and cancer all before 40, and live a gratitude filled life.

Woooo woooo - did you hear that?  That was me honking my girlfriend's trucker horns so freaking loud they couldn't help but hear it.  And now they want to jump out of the back seat and take the wheel back.

They're just caught in the I'm tired of failing, so I'll just close my eyes and ears vicious circle many women fall prey to.  Because it is easier on the head, and more importantly on the heart.  But these are smart girls, who, when needing the nudge back on the right path towards re-discovering and defining their own self-worth on their own terms will.

Oh, I don't know why we sometimes let others define one of our most precious commodities, self-worth.   Maybe because it is hard enough to keep our eyes on the day to day, we often forget what our big picture looked in the first place, or how far we have actually come.  Or maybe it's because of sheer exhaustion we have handed out the leading roles in our own lives to everyone else, and the only role left is the victim or crappy walk on part.

Or maybe, just maybe, it's because we need to stop looking outside ourselves and instead look in and listen hard to the Julia Roberts within all of us.

Because you are worth way more than you will ever know Girlfriends - 

and I hope you not only know this, but live it.

Love,  V {and her re-affirmed self worth}

Top 10 Reasons You Need a DGDD (divorced girlfriend during divorce)

Married friends are great. They’ll deliver dinner casseroles, pray for you at church, and send their husbands to help after your attempt to hang a picture resulted in drywall catastrophe (who knew the Kindergarten diploma frame was soooooo heavy?!?!)

Sure, married friends are wonderful, but they just don’t get it.

Married girlfriends definitely don’t get it.  Don’t get me wrong…they will try. They will try really, really hard…but at the end of the day they haven’t been divorced. While Mr. and Mrs. Jones are happily enjoying their “ever after” you’re barely hanging on by a thread.

I’m gonna give you a little sneak peek into the brain of a newly single woman in the midst of divorce, specifically during a moment of crisis:

Friend: Girl…it’s okay…you’re going to be just FINE.

Divorced/single chick: REALLY? How do YOU know?

Your sweet friend will continue the conversation with encouragement and support. Instead of biting her head off, you keep your thoughts to yourself…and your thoughts probably sound something like this…

Bless. Your. Heart.  You don’t have a clue…while you’re at home roasting a chicken I’m pouring over bills, wondering how I’m going to pay them. While you’re whipping up a crafty Pinterest project with your toddler I’m freezing my ass off because I can’t afford to turn the heat on. While you’re complaining about your husband, I’m wondering who the heck is gonna rescue me in the middle of the night, God forbid the BOOGIE MAN ever shows up.

{BREATHE}

{BREATHE AGAIN}

Yes, your roasted chicken is delicious and I would absolutely love to take you up on the offer of bringing me dinner…and congratulations, you put Martha f*$#%ing Stewart to shame and I’m sure your child will grow up to be brilliant…and as for that husband of yours, he really is awesome and I seriously hope one day I can find a man just like him…

Girlfriend, your efforts don’t go unnoticed, and I really, really appreciate them…but here’s the thing…

You just DON’T GET IT.

So, without further adieu…I give you to my top 10 reasons you need a DGDD.

*I dedicate this list to my personal DGDDs, most importantly, Valerie. I could not have survived this without you : )

10. She won’t let you sit at home alone. If you refuse to leave your house she will pack up her crap (and her dog) and come spend the night with you. She will also bring wine and carbs.

9. She will be your partner in crime (I’ll let you define crime, here). If your DGDD is single and lives close by then you’ve pretty much hit the jackpot. And may the Lord have mercy on whatever city you live in.

8. Retail therapy is proven more effective when partnered with a fellow reckless spender. Designer denim is completely justified…think of it as an investment in your future (hello, free drinks).

7. When you hang up the phone with your ex and want to scream, cry, and/or punch a hole in the wall, she’lll be the one to walk you off the cliff.

6. After your first attorney bill arrives (and you faint) she will instantly suggest freezing your credit card in a block of ice to prevent any further reckless spending (she knows this works because hers is buried at the bottom of her freezer).

5. The new guy you’re dating? He’s fab according to her…because she knows the best thing for you right now is a male distraction. She’ll also be there when you decide to break up with him because she knew all along he wasn’t right for you.

4. She’ll hold your hand when you cry and your hair when you puke. You’ll do the same for her…no questions asked.

3. When she calls in tears, distraught and unsure of what to do, you’ll realize you’re really not alone in this journey.

2. She'll make lemonade with your lemons...even if that means busting out the Beyonce "Single Ladies" dance moves to make you laugh (possibly on top of a coffee table).

1. Even after you’ve moved on from the divorce stage and into relationships (perhaps even your next marriage), your bond will be something only the two of you can understand. It’s the sisterhood of divorce. A sisterhood that only we, women who’ve been through it, can truly understand.

Because We Are All Soooo 2015

Happy New Years everyone!!!  As 2014 loudly for some, and quietly for others slips away, I wanted to take this opportunity to wish all of you a Happy New Years on behalf of The Ex-Wives.

In true typical NYE fashion I also want to issue all of you a challenge…  Don't worry - this one doesn't involve a long list of DONT'S (like not eating carbs) rather just one thing to DO. (Yay for us!)

See, I was excited for my New Years this year too.  Particularly New Years Eve, as I was supposed to be sipping fruity non-kid friendly drinks with umbrellas filled with unfiltered water and God knows what in Mexico and then hop on a boat and conga line my way into 2015 in a gorgeous Anthropologie dress, sparkly gold shoes, and no doubt a noise maker with lipstick and champagne stains (mine, others, who cares, ole!).  And that was going to be bueno, actually muy bueno.  

But plans changed.  Quickly.  As in 6 hours before I was to be picked up for my flight.  

Instead, I changed courses (and flights!) unpacking my tropical vacation suitcase full of color and vibrant warm weather clothes for the frozen tundra of Middle State Michigan far from tropical gloves, and hats, and sweaters, and sweatpants.  I am currently wearing all of the aforementioned in addition to wearing my winter coat as I type in my mothers house in Kalamazoo watching the snow fall as we get ready to go to a church to hear tubas play.  (No - I couldn't make that up even if I wanted too…)  

I could go on with the whole story on how my gifted tropical vacation from the boy I now used to date called me 6 hours before our trip to tell me "I'm just not excited" and he just needed me to talk to him so he could make up his mind if we should really go.  I could go on about the fact I was in the ER the day before for non-stop vomiting.  I could go on about how this was going to be one of the very few times away from my son for more than 3 days without me being sick or in a hospital, ever.  I could go on about how I had to move heaven and earth to make all of this trip of ours happen - as all single mothers do.  But I won't.

I won't because this year I will be re-writing all of my stories.  And I'm challenging all of you to do the same.

That's right - I am done telling the stories (well not the realllly funny ones because they're normally pretty worth it) that send an ounce of bad energy into the world or pain or conjures up a vision of me wearing a name tag that says Hello My Name Is: VICTIM.  Bad energy for me, bad energy for "what happened", bad anything that drains instead of fills is so 2014.  And we lovely ladies, are so not last year…  We are sooo 2015.

This doesn't mean bad things won't happen - that's not real life - you and I know that.  Some of us know this a little too much, in fact we would like to un-friend it on Facebook if we could.  I just refuse to give life to things that steal an ounce of my or any ones joy in 2015.  

I'm hoping you feel the same way and join me in declaring to the world, the Universe, to God, to Oprah (I swear Oprah is the adult version of Santa Claus to me…) to whomever you feel guides your spirit and makes your soul sing in key that we are ready to re-write our everyday stories.  Because even though they sometimes start without us doesn't mean they need to end without us stealing the pen back.

So with much adieu, I am pleased to present my re-written New Years week and Eve story.  And it goes a little somethin' like this (picture that sang rap Diddy style):

- Decent boy meets beautiful on the inside and out happy girl.

- Nice enough boy wants smart and creative girl full of sunshine and she says okay.

- Ordinary boy needs to either hatch or go bad - because nobody (including good energy girl) wants just a decent egg.

- Boy goes bad week before New Years trip and expires 6 hours before departure with fabulous full of life girl who now fashionably has a new Anthropologie tropical dress collection.

- Girl is happy and relieved - because breaking up with a decent egg is really hard to do, but a bad egg… you just scrape down the drain and continue cooking.

And the fairy tale ending to my rewritten story...

- Groovy Girl fishes her wish.  Instead of bringing in 2015 somewhere warm with a cold heart, she brings in 2015 somewhere cold with a VERY warm heart, because she is surrounded by those that bring her love and joy and happiness.  And her end is just her beginning to a very BRIGHT 2015.

We hope all of your 2015's are rewritten the very same way - written by YOU in a way that reminds you how wonderful, and loving, and DESERVING OF JOY you really are - no matter where you are in the last hours of 2014 or what your past stories are.  

So get out a new pen Girlfriend, because your 2015 is ready to be written… And I just know it's going to be a good, if not the best, story you will ever tell.

Happy New Year!!! 

Love, Valerie (Of V & H of The Ex-Wives)

Love & Christmas

It's Christmas eve and my house is bursting at the seams...there are cookie crumbs EVERYWHERE, dishes (and laundry) piled a mile high, and kids running around like maniacs, stir crazy thanks to 3 consecutive days of RAIN. Yes, indeed, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Last week Valerie and I mutually agreed it would be fun to dish each week following the Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce episodes (airing Tuesdays on Bravo @ 10pm). Well, last night was Tuesday and whaddya know...at some point this week one of our lovely offspring managed to hack into our DVR and delete our family settings...so guess what? I haven't seen it. My parents are visiting from Florida and we've had nonstop Christmas movie marathons every night...last night was no exception. 

If you're reading this blog today with a heart full of love, happiness and Christmas cheer, then congratulations friend, enjoy it. But let's be clear...there are plenty of you reading this post that feel like shit and would prefer to jump off a cliff rather than celebrate Christmas tomorrow.

My first Christmas without my kids was by far the worst Christmas ever. I wrote about it last year, so I won't bore you with the details again, but I want to be honest...those feelings never really go away.

Yesterday I dropped my girls off with their dad and instantly had a pit in my stomach...saying goodbye to them never gets easier, especially during the holidays. They will spend Christmas Eve with him, and wake up with him on Christmas morning. I will call to wish them a merry Christmas only to receive a distracted "Hi mommy! guess what Santa brought us!?", and hang up and cry.

Why?

Because 3pm on Christmas just isn't the same as waking up with them on Christmas morning.

If you've been divorced for a while you know exactly what I'm talking about. If you're new to this dilemma the best advice I could give you is to let it out, cry the tears, and feel the pain. It is normal. And whatever you do, don't sit at home alone. Find someone, ANYONE, to hang out with.

On days like this it's hard not to look back at the ghosts of Christmas past. Maybe you lived in a world that appeared as perfect as your Christmas card and Facebook posts, but in reality it was a crumbling mess. Or perhaps you really believed your marriage was everything you thought it was, only to have it blow up in your face. Regardless of your circumstances, I challenge you to make new memories and new traditions this year.

My Christmas wish for those suffering loss this year is that somehow you receive God's grace and love. Only this will open your heart to loving like you've never known before, and ultimately living like you've never lived before.

This Christmas give yourself the gift of love, and if you have children that are suffering show them as much love as you can. This is truly the best gift of all. Wouldn't it be nice if we could shop online for that warm, fuzzy feeling? At times like this it can be so hard to love...sometimes nearly impossible. What's there to love about being divorced? Feeling lonely? Worrying about bills, providing for a family, and losing everything you've ever had? Not much. But you have to start somewhere.

In writing this post I realize a lot of what I'm saying is cliche, blah blah blah.  You've heard it over and over and OVER again...but I'm convicted to share my beliefs with you.

I'm not in a position to tell you everything is going to be okay and that Christmas will be magical and perfect for you again just like it was once before, but maybe, just maybe it wasn't as great as you remembered it to be. Maybe, just maybe, one day Christmas will be better than you could have ever imagined. On that day, my friend, you will look back and realize just how blessed you are. And all of that suffering, all of those tears cried, awful first dates, challenges with your ex, and ultimately broken dreams, were just a part of your beautiful journey.

Merry Christmas my friends...

Love,
Holiday xoxo

Booze, Vibrator, and a Sharpie - Episode 3 of GGTD

As promised, are you ready for a re-cap of last night's Girlfriend's Guide to Divorce?  Cause I know I'm ready to give it to you - especially since last night's episode involved booze, a vibrator, and defacing a poster of your ex's younger girlfriend in your teenagers bedroom.  The yogurt truck was just a big {low}fat bonus…

Episode 3: Rule #47: Always Take Advantage of "Me" Time

We all remember it…  The first night we had alone time that was not by "choice".  Without kids, without our +1, without our co-custody dog, without {fill in the blank} due to impending divorce.  And we're about to relive our past and high five ourselves because at least our first night alone was not as bad as Abby's.  If it was... well then you rock and we want to hear about it in the comments section below.  

Our episode starts off with Abby shutting her fingers in a window her un-employed soon to be ex Jake still hasn't fixed yet.  Love us some good metaphors and predictors!  Abby also says shit in front of her kids.  I'm hooked.  {Wait Bravo - are you sure this is scripted and not reality?!?}  They then go on to verbally assure each other they know the rules for the kiddos first night at Daddys.  All I keep thinking is why the hell is Abby not recording this convo on her iPhone…  Then Abby gives Jake the finger.  I'm really hooked.

Cue coffee with the girlfriends Lyla and Phoebe.  Abby is gloating about how happy she is without Jake in the house anymore and to have a night off!!!  We all do this.  We need to do this - to convince ourselves that we are 'lucky duckies' NOT 'sucky soon to be drunkies'.  I personally remember everyone I saw my first night without my son by "choice". I kept exclaiming "Woo-hooooo!  I finally get a night off!!!!!"  Even to strangers.  And everyone kept looking at me {especially the Publix bagger walking my groceries of cheese, 2 jumbo bags of red twizzlers, and 8 bottles of wine to my car} like why in the hell are you telling me this lady - I don't even know you - and because I work at Publix you're probably not even going to tip me!?!  We must CONVINCE others so that we may convince ourselves.  Abby's Girlfriends aren't buying it.  They know.  It's gonna suck the big one.

Next we are treated to Abby's gay brother Max helping her soon to be ex Jake shuttle in newly purchased goods for the kids into his new pad.  Ohhhh, she's gonna be pissed!  Then as they are walking, arms overflowing with recently purchased stuff in brown paper bags {really Bravo - Target didn't want to get on the product placement action because that would be way more realistic}, they get offered a hookup to get cocaine and Cialis by a new neighbor.  And the welcome wagon has officially visited.  Oh and some other new neighbor teaches acting all day {aka screaming at all hours but has a really good excuse} and is reallyyyy loud.  If this doesn't spell perfect for kids, I don't know what does?!?  All this new kid friendly pad is missing is cue the burgundy felt hatted pimp arm in arm with his ho in a blue sequined dress.

EWG Tip:  See here's the difference…  Women with kids would have stalked the shit out our new pad at all hours before we would EVER have committed.  

We would have visited in the AM:

- to check out the other kids that ride the bus to school or walked {no other kids no dice}

- to see how the light would shine into the windows to set the mood for the day

- to make sure their wasn't too much light in our kids rooms   

We would have visited around lunch:

- to see what the other residents were doing {had there been too many people there we would have deemed it filled with people without meaningful purpose and it would have been a no-go}

- to spy on the stay at home moms

We would have visited around dinner time:

- to make sure strong odors weren't seeping out of others doors into our new proposed pad

- to interrogate, I mean politely ask other neighbors if they liked living here

- to see if the light from sunsets was ideal for wrapping up a day

- to look for kids doing their homework through the windows of our would be neighbors {binoculars - check!}

We would of course have visited in the PM:

- to make sure it was quiet 

- to make sure that the street lights didn't shine too brightly in our little ones would be bedrooms 

- to again spy on neighbors {double zoom lenses on binoculars - check!}

But what does Paul do?  Sign a freaking lease.  Probably on the one showing looked clean enough, had 3 bedrooms, and in budget.  I'll take it!  And he's about to take it somewhere else if he doesn't stop hanging out with Abby's brother all of the time.  

We then witness Lyla {could Janeane Garofalo be better casted?  Love her!} choosing work over kids because Delia "hell on heels" other woman attorney at the firm is trying to push Lyla out of the picture with a big new client.  Of course we have to see a little woman not supporting woman in the business world action because we have the nice juxtaposition of woman supporting woman in the personal world.  

EWG Tip:  When your ex is fighting you for full custody you might want to place your kids as a priority - a.k.a. kids first not work first.  Five years later you won't say "Gosh, I wish I really wouldn't have missed that meeting!".  But you will certainly say "Gosh, I wish I really wouldn't have handed over a golden Willy Wonkaesque ticket to my ex to get additional custody of our kids that one day!"

Lyla does stick it to the Principal of their kids school later in the episode explaining why she sent the Nanny in her place to story time - which I strangely really enjoyed despite her choosing work over her kids.   Because if you go to a private school {or even public one!} all these volunteer opportunities just make working to pay the bill parents feel like big assholes when they can't make it to the 11:02am time slot - smack damn in the middle of a work day.  Sometimes {not every time}  a sub of someone your child loves kind of fits the bill in making your child feel both represented and supported at school, which really should be the entire point.  Go on with your bad self!

Next we see Abby trying to get her creative on.  Pitching one bad cliche after another.  Not judging here - kind of Holiday and I when we should be writing but instead we're drinking margaritas coming up with funny names to sequels to our first book out a year from now...  Pitching for her life, her career, and future financial security.  Abby just lost her married life, not sure if she's ready to lose the other two but her tween agent is all like "OMG - you're career is so Kardashian!"  {OVER}.

Commercial time - love the AT&T one with the Lil' John and DJ Snake song Turn Down For What - just Shazamed it and input my iTunes password.  And I'll be playing it in 1,2,3…  and sadly at decibel 3,2 okay maybe 1…  Did I mention my 6 year old is asleep in the bedroom next door?  Sorry DJ Snake and Lil' John - couldn't get as crunk as I wanted too and had to Turn it Down For someone.

Back to the action and we see Abby trying to get her creative on again… no such luck... again.  But she gets a gift basket!!!  From her Girlfriend Phoebe Godmother!!!  {And a cute text from that married Dad that has the hots for her - more on this later because she doesn't reply - smart}  I love she gets a freaking gift basket - because Abby and Phoebe were both probably Kappa Kappa Gamma's like Holiday and I and that's just what we women do!  Nothing cheers a woman up quicker than getting support via gifted girlie stuff.  Now not sure if a Kappa would gift a vibrator with a phone app - but definitely the wine part.  

Next Paul is showing his teenage daughter, I mean his girlfriend tv star Becca his new "I can get coke anytime I want biotch" bachelor kids every-other weekend pad.  Of course she wants to get it on.  Of course he tries to show he has to be responsible and all and focus on getting his pad ready.  {No work and all play makes an anxiety filled dull boy duller}.  Of course he ultimately ends up getting it on with Becca.  Did you see the cute shorts she was wearing?  If I was wearing those shorts and my unemployed boyfriend didn't want to christen his new drug friendly bachelor with kids pad with me, I would be pissed.

Cut back to Abby… trying to get her creative on… again…  See the theme here?  But this time she has wine!  And lots o' wine!

Flash to Paul's pad.  He suggests over freshly prepared Chinese takeout he and the kids check out the apartment complex pool and hot tub {no you didn't read wrong there}. Or go bowling.  Or play Monopoly.  Bonus - the video games wifi connection doesn't work!  Younger son now crying curled up in fetal position rolling side to side on sofa.  The neighbors are screaming during "acting class".  Daughter is missing shopping at TopShop with her bff's - NOOOOO!!!  Not gonna lie - this is all making me smile.  Don't get me wrong, I feel bad for the kids, it shouldn't be this rough of an adjustment.  We need to remember non-working video games and missing shopping is a big adjustment for kids - kind of like the adjustment of not having money and worrying about becoming homeless is for parents going through divorce.  So we all just can keep those crystal balls un-rubbed, because we know what Paul is gonna do right?  Try to save the day by making phone calls and breaking promises.  

Flashes in between all of this to Abby now drunk {God at least I hope so…} dancing in her skivvies with no blinds closed and a back wall filled with really clean all glass windows to rap music.  Girlfriends got a body and moves - clearly no C Section for her!  Not gonna lie - I call my formal living room that I had to sell all of the furniture for that belonged in there to afford the moving company after my divorce my "dance" room.  Big empty room perfect for dancing, that just happens to be in the front of my house visible to everyone.  And I have a disco ball.  And rap music has played while I was dancing.  And I'm gonna get crunk there to the new song I downloaded on iTunes during the commercial someday soon {Friday night to be exact}.  And I have never ever ever been in my fancy underwear/bra combo.  Because that would just be mean to my neighbors… and scare kids.

Now Abby gets out the ol' black fine point Sharpie and starts writing the improvements this plastic surgeon Dr. Marber everyone is encouraging her to go see on her body.  Because nothing says I'm moving on to a better life like bigger or better boobs do.  {Maybe that's where I went wrong…}  As in writing ALL over her body.  Because when we feel unworthy mentally, let's just draw all over our body where we perceive ourselves unworthy physically!  Then she calls in the help of The Girlfriends - the inevitable SOS call {how do you think Holiday and I met?!?  I'm gonna let her write in the comment section below on that one!!!}

EWG Tip:  Better boobs, thinner thighs, leaner love handles will not make you happier in the first few months of your divorce.  Let the arrows all stop flying before you ever even contemplate going under a real knife.  Focus on eating a balanced diet and doing things that are GOOD for your head and body {aka yoga and meditation - not downing a bottle of vodka just because you heard it is low-carb}.  If you want "improvements" that you feel best represent the new and stronger you once you are "official" than go for it!  You'll thank us for this some day - we promise.

Then Abby tries to fix the window - drunk, in her panties, with her body flaws all mapped out like in a  side of beef butcher cut perfection.  And gets stuck, literally.  Yet again, our metaphor has not let us down, our Girlfriend is stuck.  Neighbors call help.  Girlfriends arrive.  Abby is unstuck, but only physically, not metaphorically.  {Yes Bravo, I am available to be a guest script writer.}

Girlfriends show up with vodka sans catsuits and explosives but with a big fatty!!!  Paul's girlfriend just shows up - which is the teenage equivalent of showing up with vodka, cat suits, explosives, duct tape, and glitter!!!!  {Love this ecard on our FB page - must check out}  And she simply suggests going bowling, which is not so lame anymore to the kids, and voila!  The night is saved for Paul!!!  Oh yeah - and the soon-to-be-ex-brother-in-law {is this really a word?!?} and his partner now answer Paul's previous SOS call and decide to join in.  Because helloooo - Becca is a star!!!  And hellooooo - Abby would be BEYOND pissed if she wasn't about to get even more drunk / high / and wild with the markers again!

So the kids and Paul bowl.  And the partners, and kids, and star girlfriend sing karaoke.  To the theme song from The Breakfast Club.  How aprapo…  {btw - that film was based on my high school - no joke John Hughes went to my high school!}  And the Girlfriends get high and figure out the app controlled vibrator, and go in her daughter's bedroom to deface the poster of Paul's star girlfriend.  Sounds about right to me.

Woosh - back to reality.  Abby is a Mom - and mom's can't lose their shit - especially not on their kids or on their kids poor choice of bedroom wall art while high on tv {oh wait - this one is scripted…}.  But if they do, nothing says sober me up like having Phoebe's driver drive you all around L.A looking for a replacement poster of your soon to be ex's younger woman that you just defaced with your Girlfriends.  Hello awesome to the "extras" they find while on the "poster crusade" like the cool slinky eye glasses, white wig, and donut powder {will do instead of glitter}.  Especially love that the Girlfriends find the non-English faux replacement poster at a store called "Stars of Hollywood".  Because who is the real star?  The stoned Mom and Girlfriends trying to make sure their kids go unscathed and unharmed during a divorce?  Or the star who is starring not only in the Mom's kids lives right now at Lucky Strikes bowling ally but also on that damn poster.  {Keep em coming Bravo!!!}

Lyla then remembers/admits/mentions out loud with major regret that she has an ace up her sleeve - Dalia {hell on heels attorney that tried to screw her earlier that day - catch up people} can get the poster they are on the hunt for if she asks her.  Hooray!!!  Hell to pay at work for Lyla calling in a favor of the devil - but hooray!!!  Then they track the yogurt truck - which was way easier to do than the poster thankfully because I was starting to feel stoned too and I don't do drugs.  Double scoop hooray!!!

While at the yogurt truck, Abby says one of the most hit home quotes to this Ex-Wife… "I would have killed for a night alone in my house when I was married, now that I get it I fell apart."  Lyla replies "Of course!  Because it's a different kind of alone.  Now you're a-looone.  Alone."  We get it, we get it big time.  Alone by choice is one thing.  Alone not by choice totally a different thing, especially when that not by  choice is divorce.  Fresh divorce full of the fruit of anger and spite and bad choices ripe for the picking.
EWG Tip:  Neither one of us Ex-Wives thought we would ever have to spend a day away from our children not by choice.  But we did.  Yes the first, second, and third time sucked our kiddos packed up their Pottery Barn backpacks for Daddys.  Pretty much sucked the first three months of back and forth every other weekend if we're being honest.  But cheer up - we promise after awhile you will actually look forward to your "alone" time, as well as be way more productive with your time - as in you won't wake up with a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to your face and not remember how it got there.

Here comes my next favorite scene and quote starring Dalia who remarks "Oh Lyla - you've got a thousand bucks worth of cocaine on your chest or you're getting it on with Mr. Donut." She was getting it on with Mr. Donut.  Busted.  Busted by your nemesis but take it like a champ for the sake of your Girlfriend and because damn were those donuts good.  Without missing a beat or an opportunity to show why she is the better attorney, besides the fact she hasn't been making out with donuts while looking for a teen poster, Dalia hands over the holy grail of posters from her chauffeured Mercedes.  Search over, at least for the poster.

Poster hung, Girlfriends hugged, told she is a great Mom and it's all going to be okay.  Uses markers wisely this time.  Good girl.
EWG Tip:  It will all be okay.  It will all be okay soon.  It will always all be okay.  {Ruby slippers clicked three times for good measure.}  Just remember this one thing and make it your mantra.

Next morning - hear the bestest sound in the entire Universe - the sound of your babies returned home safely after their first night away with your soon to be ex.  And Abby wisely remarks to her soon to be ex as he walks through the door "It shouldn't be a story" when Jake of course starts out by saying "It's a long story".  And boom… Jake is served.  Broke the most important rule no introducing kids until someone is a significant other.  The very first time.  The boom suddenly becomes a boomerang and Paul retorts that maybe Becca is a significant other.  Uggghhh.  Served back.  Then the younger son finds Mommy's sci-fi vibrator bringing it to her asking her in front of Daddy what it is after getting KO'd Australian style just moments ago.  Smugly he remarks "I thought we weren't going to introduce the kids to significant others?"

As if things couldn't get worse her teenage daughter takes down the poster {yep supposedly now they are "whatever" - wasted last nights Robin Hood feet while wasted}.  She'd rather print out the Instagram pics she took with Dad's star girlfriend Becca - which is quickly expanding her social circle.  When Abby questions her daughter on if this is really the way to earn friends it is as if the kangaroo with the boomerang from downstairs comes hopping in with an evil baby Joey who BOOM - throws one again.  The reply?  "You're just jealous because she's pretty and young".  She also says bratty teenagery sassy stuff like Dad's awesome and you're not and you're alone.  Let's just say this might be the one and only time I was glad my son was newly 3 when I had my first night "alone" - after watching this scene.

To wrap up this 24 hours from hell{o} nicely we see Abby and her brother volunteering at the school during drop off.  Not so sure I would have wanted to be side by side up close and personal with someone I just kind of betrayed while holding a huge wooden sign she could hit me with, but okay, it was pretty much in public and a place you shouldn't be making a scene.  Bottom line;  Jake is moving on and Abby realizes she needs to also.  Brother forgiven.  She just wants to feel like she has first dibbs. Totally get it.  I would have never let him off this hook this easily, especially not while holding a huge wooden sign perfect for hitting.

This episode o'fun tapers off with Lyla's meeting with the Principal I mentioned above {it rocked} and heavy hearts for her situation.  So many of us have been there, done that, own the closet full of t-shirts when it comes to sacrifices we have to make as working mothers.  The ending?  Well of course it is Abby fixing the broken window with a power tool now officially shutting it {hello metaphor friend}, closing her computer screen to her current creativity crisis, and returning the text she got yesterday from the married Dad who has the hots for her.  Low and behold, the window that was just fixed to shut springs open again.  God I love me some metaphors.  But what do I love more???  This episode and this show!!!
EWG Tip:  Never force shut anything.  Because we promise it will come crashing open again.  This is just like your divorce.  Breathe, hire a handy man, let it close on it's own time.
EWG Tip#2:  Never get involved with a married man.  Because karma is always a bigger bitch than you could dream of.  And shutting one thing to open another that should be shut anyways goes against gravity.  And gravity is our friend - especially if you haven't had your boobs done yet.

Stay tuned for next week when the real Ex-Wives Guide to Divorce dish on the GGTD on Bravo!

Love, Valerie (of the EWG)

  

  

Girlfriends Guide to Divorce...here we go!

In case you've been living under a rock...Bravo has recently launched their first scripted television series...
the Girlfriends Guide to Divorce.

When Valerie and I learned of the show (several months ago) we immediately contacted our legal team. The title is almost exactly the same as our book, The Ex Wives Guide to Divorce (scheduled for publication January 2016).

As Bravo started to promote the show our phones started ringing off the hook.

The #1 text message/voicemail we were bombarded with?

BRAVO STOLE YOUR IDEA! BRAVO STOLE YOUR SHOW! (It so just happens that we were/ are in the talks with various producers regarding a reality show, however due to confidentiality agreements we can not share anything at this time). Still, our closest friends and family knew we had been working with a handful of producers and television networks, so this announcement set off major alarms.

To avoid getting our panties in a wad, our entertainment attorneys investigated and we quickly realized this: Bravo did not rip us off (and newsflash...we didn't rip them off either).

It just so happens this whole divorce thing is kind of running rampant in our country...and seeing how there are television shows with EVERY topic under the sun (hello Kourtney and Khloe...we're soooo glad you spent the summer in the Hamptons...and thank you very much to the Real Housewives series for distracting us from our own personal daily drama...). It was only a matter of time before a network jumped on the divorce bandwagon.

Inspired by Vicki Iovine's best selling book The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy, the show is a scripted series about divorce. After watching the first few episodes Valerie and I have decided to join in on the fun...our goal is to blog real time during and after each show (episodes air Tuesdays at 10/9C on Bravo).

So stay tuned for our comments, input, and two cents. After all, our lives are NOT scripted and neither were our divorces...but a little entertainment never hurt anyone :)

xo Holiday