Dear Holiday...don't piss your pants.

“Write a letter to your future self.”

This college writing assignment threw me for a loop. As a senior I was facing some major decisions…Should I stay and get my Master’s Degree? Where should I live? Do I really want to be a teacher? Should I break up with my boyfriend?  You know, the important stuff.

I should have put this letter in my jewelry box…it’s the one place I keep things that I actually want to find again. Knowing me it’s probably living in a Rubbermaid bin in my mom’s attic, sandwiched between high school yearbooks and my sorority t-shirt collection. 

I can’t remember what I wrote, but it probably went something like this:

Dear Holiday,

Today I’m writing to you as a senior in college. You are about to start this incredible new journey called the REAL WORLD! In 10 years from now you will be an awesome teacher with a classroom full of kids who adore you and you will love your life. You’ll probably be happily married to {insert college boyfriend’s name here} because surely by now he will have his s@#$ together.  You might even be a mommy…wow, 10 years is a long time. Promise me you'll never wear "mom" jeans, no matter how comfortable they may be.

Always remember to dream big, believe in yourself, and follow your passions. Stay beautiful inside and out, and never forget how awesome college was.

Love always,

Holiday

(*I have confidence it was a little more deep than this, but I really can’t remember)

Writing a letter to my future self was kinda cool, but now that I’m older (and obbbbviously wiser), I’ve been thinking about the opposite.

What if I could write a letter to myself from 10 years ago?

What would I say? What advice would I give myself?

If someone had given me a crystal ball 10 years ago to show me my future I would have shattered the damn thing…no questions asked.

In honor of my college English professor, I’m accepting this personal writing assignment. Here we go.

Dear Holiday,

I know right now you think life is a little stressful, but just hold on to your hat kiddo. You have no idea what’s in store for you. There will be many, many wonderful memories made and milestones reached, but there will also be some heartbreak. I wish I could protect you from this, but sometimes life gives you lemons. I know you will make lemonade.

Top 10 tips:

 1. Put your faith in GOD every single day. Know that He loves you and has a plan for your life, even though you may not understand it (or even like it for that matter).
 
2.  Trust your gut and don’t settle for anything less than you know you deserve.
 
3.  Listen to Mom and Dad. They really do know what they’re talking about.
 
4.  Love yourself NOW and get over the stupid muffin top. You’re spending too much time critiquing yourself…you are beautiful!
 
5.  Cherish each moment and live each day like it’s your only chance to make a difference.
 
6.  Forgive yourself for the mistakes you’re going to make…newsflash, you’re gonna screw up.
 
7.  Look for the positive in all circumstances…be SUNSHINE…not a Debbie downer complaining cloud.
 
8.  Put others first.
 
9.  Be the example you’d like your children to admire (yep, you’re totally having babies!)  

10.  Don’t sweat the small stuff. Yes, it’s a cliché, but what would a letter like this be without a tried and true cliché?

 After writing this it’s totally obvious. You really are going to turn into our mother when you grow up! But guess what? In 10 years from now you will appreciate and understand how wise she is and just how freaking AWESOME she is. Growing up to become more like her will be enlightening, and you’ll find yourself looking to her for more advice and guidance than you could ever imagine.

Finally, I want to remind you that life is a wild ride with lots of ups and downs. Enjoy the ups and hang on during the downs…and whatever you do, don’t piss your pants during the loop-de-loops.

See ya in 10 years…

Love,

Holiday

p.s. I also wrote an unfiltered version, but I’m keeping that one to myself : )

don't wrestle with a pig

When I need to vent, I call my mom. When I need someone to walk me off a cliff,  I call my dad. Don't get me wrong, my mom is wonderful and amazing and has been an incredible source of wisdom for me...but when it comes to the big stuff I call dad first.

Some of the best advice my dad ever game me was to never wrestle with a pig. Why?
Because you both get dirty and the pig likes it.

Wow. That's a great way to think about things, especially when all you want to do is address the "pig" and tell them where they can go.

I don't know about you, but I prefer not to compromise my grace and dignity for the enjoyment of a pig.

During the divorce process you're bound to encounter a few pigs. They might be in disguise, or they might show their true colors right away. Think back to middle school...when the "popular girl" was your BFF one day and the next day she decided she didn't like you anymore. She ignored you in the cafeteria, walked right by you and pretended you were invisible. Part of you wanted to confront, her, reminding her, "HELLO- remember 24 hours ago, when we were making plans for Friday night???" The other part of you just wanted to fast-forward until the day when she finally decides to be nice to you again...then everything would go back to normal. Until she does it again.

Her actions and behavior make you question yourself- "what did I do to her?" when the reality is this: you did NOTHING to her...she's just acting like a PIG. It is her intention to get under your skin, ruin your day, and create drama for absolutely no reason. Rise above, my friend. Rise above.

When the pig sees you sweat the pig has won the game (this is especially true during divorce mediation and/or court appearances).

So my advice to you during your divorce (or just life in general) is to resist the mud pit and let the karma train do the dirty work.

xo Holiday

The secretary survived...this time.

I'm not the violent type. Except for when someone takes the last bite of ice cream and leaves the EMPTY container in the freezer...only for me to be PMS'ing and find it...completely EMPTY during a chocolate attack. But that's a whole 'nother story...

Living in two houses is pretty annoying. Thankfully I never had to do it (until I was an adult- thanks Mom and Dad for sticking it out until I went to college)...but my kids have been going back and forth for 3 years now. Their dad and I decided from the get-go we would do everything we could to make the transition back and forth as seamless as possible. We do our best. But sometimes we fail.

Last Monday morning I woke up to the ding of my iPhone. "The girls don't have shoes for school. E has P.E. today." Grrrreeeeeat. Way to go, DAD. This was not exactly how I pictured my morning would start. I mean seriously...I have spent years training this man to get everything ready for the kids the night before...how is this the first time in 3 days you've required our children to wear "proper" shoes? Have they been running barefoot all weekend??? REALLY?!?!

Rather than get all huffy and puffy with him (which really does nothing but piss him off and start a useless argument) I jumped out of bed and got dressed. My husband gave me a dazed and confused look. When I showed him the message he smiled. He knew exactly what was going through my head because he has been in the same exact boat. Chances are, if you're a divorced (or separated) parent, you've been there.

I grabbed their shoes and headed for the door. My husband stopped me. "Ummmm, babe, I hate to tell you this but they probably won't let you drop those shoes off..they kinda don't like it when parents drop things off after the bell rings."

The giant lump started in my throat.
Angry mommy crept in.

The reality of public school hit me. Our daughter was no longer in the nice family-friendly private Christian school, where everyone welcomed you with smiles and rainbows no matter WHAT you were dropping off, delivering, or any other reason you were making an appearance during school "instructional" hours.

Look, I get it people. I used to be a teacher. There's nothing more annoying than a mommy running in to rescue her kid with the teddy bear he forgot on the counter for show-and-tell that day.

This was DIFFERENT.
My kid didn't have shoes and it was NOT HER FAULT.

It didn't matter.
I was gonna have to get past the school secretary with these shoes.

My response to my husband? "Well guess what...I don't really CARE if they don't like it...I'm bringing her her shoes and they're just gonna have to get OVER IT."

I fought tears in the car. Guilt covered me, I was sad, angry, and frustrated. My kids should never have to pay the price for the divorce they didn't ask for. My daughter should never have to get in trouble at school for something that was out of her control. Kids who live in one house never have to worry about this stuff...I failed.

Tears welled up in my eyes as I opened the door to the front office.
There she was. The school secretary in all of her glory.

"Good morning...can I help you?"

"Yes. I'm so sorry...we are new here and this is soooo not my style to ever do anything like this and I know it sounds silly but...my daughter needs her shoes. She was with her daddy this weekend and he lives 40 minutes away..."

 I started rambling. My voice was shaking.

SERIOUSLY HOLIDAY? You're going to let the school secretary scare you?
Since when do you have a shaky voice?
Ummmm...NEVER.
Pull it together, dammit. This is NOT HER FAULT.

Her body language was obvious- she instantly sat up straight in her chair and gave me a smile...She was about to tell me no.

I had to intervene or someone was gonna get hurt. Crazy mommy was kicking in, and either she was gonna take these shoes for my kid or I was gonna lose my shit in the main office (which probably wouldn't have gone over very well).

Deep breath. 

"Ma'am...I know you're just doing your job, but this is a parental problem, not a problem my child should have to deal with. This is our fault- not hers. Unfortunately divorce sucks. And sometimes parents screw up. My daughter shouldn't have to pay for my mistakes."

Silence.

She reached out her hand, gesturing for the bag with the shoes.
I handed it over, still fighting my tears.

Through her smile, in her sweet southern draw, she reminded me, "For the future, just know that it is against school policy to accept anything after the bell rings..."

"Yes, ma'am...I understand."

I walked out of the school office feeling ashamed. I also felt the need to share this story.

I know I'm not the only parent who has gone through this. And I'm wondering if our public school system has ever addressed these individual circumstances. As a former elementary school teacher I can honestly say I would choose a brief classroom interruption over any kid having a tough day at school ANYTIME. No questions asked.

But we all know the truth...the gatekeeper is the school secretary.

Maybe I should send her a cookie basket.

xoxo Holiday  :)

a wedding, the crock pot, and starting over.

Yep folks, it's true.

I got hitched...again.

A lot has happened in the past 6 months...my boyfriend proposed, we got married, and the girls and I packed up our house and moved. All while the school year wrapped up and summer was in full swing. Oh, and did I mention the "blending" of 4 kids?

All 4 of them started school this week and the afternoon sports schedules are already in full swing.

Yes, indeed. It has been a whirlwind!

In the midst of this madness, I've had some random epiphanies. Here's a little sneak peek into what's been going on in my brain...

• Changing your name is quite possibly the most annoying process. Ever.
• After years of resistance I have finally caved in to the Crock Pot. It really is the magic dinner solution.
• Band-Aids must be kept in the car, along with umbrellas, a hair brush, and detangling spray.
• Going to bed early (a.k.a. before midnight) makes for a much happier Holiday.
• My husband is amazing.  He knows exactly what I need and when I need it. Even if that means taking the kids out solo and giving me some peace and quiet : )
• Volunteering to be the Cheerleading Squad Team Mom is going to be lots of fun. LOTS of fun. And definitely worth my time...because Elizabeth will totally remember all of this and repay me with a fancy nursing home one day.
• www.signupgenius.com is just plain GENIUS (team moms everywhere will agree).
• Kids are more flexible than we think. The girls are adjusting beautifully to their new bedrooms, schools, and big brother and sister.
• Getting married again was scary...and emotional...and overwhelming (I would be lying if I didn't say this). 
• Writing my vows was the most intense, challenging, and important writing assignment of my life. Our vows to each other meant more to me than any other words I've ever said.
• I love my basement. It's dark and cold and quiet. I can hide down here and no one will find me!
• My free weights are collecting dust and my arms are kind of jigglier than they used to be.
• Doing business with friends makes business much more fun...I have to give Valerie a shout out for keeping up with the Ex Wives' social media while I've been on "vacation". Her last blog post made me smile and cry...all at the same time. It was the perfect wedding gift and meant the world to me.
• When you listen to your gut (like reeeaaalllly listen), your intuition will not steer you wrong.
• Falling in love again is scary...but so worth it.
• Just because I'm married again doesn't mean I've forgotten what it's like to get divorced.

This is a new start for me and our family, and although there are some growing pains, I know it is all worthwhile.

As for the Ex Wives...we are in the process of finalizing a publishing deal and couldn't be more excited about the opportunities that lay ahead...this is going to be our best year ever!

xoxo
the Mrs.

Hello Again and Married Again

Hello again.  It has been a while since you have last heard from the Ex-Wives.

No - we didn't decide that all this putting ourself out there was just too much for the ego to handle so we stopped.

No - we didn't get in some huge "cat fight" (although some might figure how could two exes to the same man get along, as in continue to get along, as in really?!?).

Lastly no - we didn't win the lottery and say screw helping people by being real, time to spend our days on a real mission to buy every pair of shoes in the new SJP line at Nordstroms' to help ourselves and our calves look miles longer!!!  Although if this last lottery scenario were to happen, to either one of us, we warn you it would be rather tempting…

I think it has been a while since you have seen a post from either one of us because life has changed.  For both of us really, but we are going to shine the spotlight one one particular Ex-Wife who has had more than a couple MAJOR life changing events happen.

My life - well let's just say I've been living in a comedy of sorts.  But this post is not about me and my update in the next coming weeks will be sure to make you laugh and be glad you aren't me.

Within the last 10 months Holiday has met "the one", dizzily dated in the land of happiness, is engaged, moving her family in less than a week, and getting married this month.  Yes - life indeed has been a fast track of happiness in the Happily Ever After department for her.

I'm sure Holiday has mixed feelings with sharing this with all of you, so I've decided to do it for her as a sort of wedding present.  What do you get the girl that already has every brightly colored monogrammed item (no really - look at the presents she has been posting on her Facebook wall…), a fiancé who both supports and loves her, and a new extended family that is both photogenic to the eyes and more importantly making a life long imprint on her heart?  Well you give her a blog post.

I say mixed feelings because Holiday really does believe in marriage.  Writing and blogging on divorce would deem one naturally to think that we don't believe in marriage or are anti-marriage.  Wrong -o.  We believe in being SMART and ORGANIZED during a divorce and investing in yourself as well as your future.  That also rings true of being single, being divorced, being married, and so on - the woman who invests in herself, invests in all those she is connected to.

We believe that just because your union blessed by God, The Universe, Oprah, or whatever you believe in wasn't meant to be, doesn't mean that there isn't a better union out there waiting for you at some point.  Even if that means you are contemplating, going through, or are officially divorced, it will all be okay and play out the way it should - we promise you.  The silver lining many times involves a double lining for most again down the road.

Holiday didn't want to be divorced, nor did she ever dream her children would be a part of a two household family.  In fact, at first it was an absolute nightmare to her.  She thrives when she is loving and supporting her inner circle of immediate family, so naturally she was lost for a while.  During and after her divorce she found her circle was now a dot, with other dots close by, just no longer connected.  And nobody wants to re-connect dots once they have already seen the full picture.

But luckily Holiday realized her old dot to connected dot picture needed reconnecting.  Let's just say instead of a circle, her old picture was more of a "hex"agon with a flanking octagon (a.k.a. stop sign).  Sure - parts of it externally were the full picture, but certainly not internally.  And I think anyone who has ever divorced can tell you that exact moment they experienced the feeling of being Cinderella and choosing to instead flick off the other glass slipper into the damn footman's head and run barefoot as fast as you can and to a land far far away from the supposed fairytale gone wrong.

So I think, if I am guessing here but probably hitting the nail on the head, Holiday feels caught between two lives right now.  Her eyes and heart are on a woman who is facing, affected by, and entering a married life - her new life.  Her mission and memories are tied to a woman who has dedicated her life to helping women facing, affected by, entering, or going through a divorce life - her old life.

She will always be an "Ex-Wife" to someone, and that will not change just because she is about to be a  "Wife" to someone else.  Even as she enters this marriage, I know just how qualified she is to be both titles.  The most inspiring thing about Holiday - even though she is on cloud 9 right now (okay maybe on cloud 8 but after the move can jump clouds to number 9…), she is still ready, willing, and able to help anyone in need of guidance during the divorce process.  Yep - that's our girl.

So I've written her a list of things to remember and remember and remember again as she runs rings around her new "Circle of Trust" and enters marriage with the one she believes God sent to her:

- When you live your life from a center of love, it's somehow always going to be alright.
- Make sure to always listen to your intuition.  If that's not speaking loud enough then listen to me.
- Never forget the clouds - sometimes you need the shade in order to appreciate just how special sunshine really is.
- When you feel overwhelmed meditate.  When that doesn't work we'll drink a bottle of wine.
- Never go to bed angry.  Smartest thing my Grandmother ever taught me from her 40+ year marriage.
- Buy this book.  And don't blush when doing it.  Think this could save millions of marriages.  http://www.amazon.com/101-Nights-Great-Sex-Anticipation/dp/0962962872/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1402270378&sr=8-1&keywords=100+nights+of+great+sex
- Don't lose yourself.  Ever.  For anybody.
- Make smart financial decisions together and always lay dibs on anything from Pottery Barn.
- Communicate openly and communicate honestly from a place of wanting to improve not prove.
- When you have the choice to be right or kind, be kind.  Unless he's just totally wrong.
- With an "equator" (as you lovingly refer to your fiancé) your highs and lows will always be brought back to the middle - and this my friend is priceless.

I wish you the Happily Ever After you have dreamed of and deserve - however I charge you to always be your own heroine.  Going into this marriage I know you are wiser, gentler, and pointing your compass north towards "His" warmth.

"Storms make trees take deeper roots."  - Dolly Parton

With Love,
Valerie (The Other Ex-Wife)

Clap Along if That's What You Want to Do-a

In our last post Holiday boldly declared that she and I have a certain disease.  We would like to thank all of you for your prayers and concerns during this trying time as we seek treatment.

The disease of "Perfectionism" is one often mis-diagnosed as "If Only I Drink More Caffiene I Can Get It All Done by 1a.m.ism" (Holiday's closest diagnosis) or my personal favorite "Martha Stewart Wannabeism" (My current diagnosis).  But seriously… we both know we have a problem and are working on it.

Just today I wanted to make an inspirational collage in order to prep myself for writing my new blog entry, but literally slapped the scissors out of my own hands screaming at myself "Valerie stop putting the cart before the horse dammit!!!".  Not sure why I referred to myself in 3rd person, or thought making a collage of inspirational quotes would help me write better, (or the more important question why I thought writing was the "horse" and a collage was the "cart", I know totally random) but I did.  Then I stopped.  Then I poured a glass of wine and chilled the hell out.  Then I wrote this in less than an hour.

Lately I have been happy.  Reallllly happy.  This has served as my mostly successful treatment so far for "Perfectionism".

You know the kind of happy I'm talking about - the kind that is normally only reserved for the best kind of new love, or really good sex, or a reallllllly good shoe sale.  Where you are standing in line for groceries, and people are staring at you, and you think it's because they see you glowing from the outside in, but then suddenly you realize it's because you have blue toothpaste on the white t-shirt you are wearing (inside out as a side note) smeared all over your left boob.  You are so preoccupied with the non-stop runaway train of happy thoughts tunneling through your head you didn't even notice or care the past 10 hours you have been wearing an inside out, tartar control crusted ensemble since you brushed your teeth.  Come on, you know it's happened to you too because I know there is a DSW (Designer Shoe Warehouse) where shoes are always on sale in like every town in good ol' US of A.

And that's been me lately - not because of any of the three reasons stated above - unless new love refers to the way it feels when you are helping women who need only the kind of help and advice you can give.  As someone who has been there, done that, and owns a closet full of "I got divorced and all I got is this lousy t-shirt" t-shirts.  But instead of me getting stared at by strangers in a white t-shirt inside out, it was black leggings that even Good Will wouldn't take that has a gaping hole where the stitching has given out by the waistband and had not just blue but what appeared to be neon play dough smeared all over my right pant butt cheek.  I have a 5 year old, stuff like that happens.  A lot.

With all of the crazy positive changes going on in the lives of The Ex-Wives, I just can't stop smiling.  Every time I turn on the radio that catchy song 'Happy' by Pharrell Williams is playing, and I feel like it's playing just for me.  Everywhere I go birds are singing, and I feel like they're singing just for me.  Every time I open my mailbox I am getting a postcard about "Double Points Month" or $10 off Birthday Coupons for DSW, and I know it's just for me (well that one because it's addressed with my name on it…).  

I don't want to let go of this happy and I don't want to revert back to my old ways of thinking the bottom is going to fall out at any given moment.  Because that is exactly how I felt in each and every one of my marriages.  If I could have just been a little more "perfect" maybe one of my exes would have loved me a little more.  I was consumed with trying to be perfect, because my marriages were farrrrrr from perfect (or happy for that matter).  As in if you could hear some of the stories your mouths would drop and you would feel so bad for me you would give me your DSW coupon because you know you are allowed to combine more than one coupon there even on their super twice a year shoe clearance (It's true!!!!).

My 5 year old doesn't care if I'm perfect - hell he thinks perfect is when I let him eat a cookie for breakfast or when we wear pajamas all day.  But you better bet he cares and notices if I'm happy.  None of my friends care if I'm perfect - in fact they have been laughing for years at my imperfections which make me who I am.  And laughing at me makes them happy, which in turn makes me happy.  And if I am not happy, then watch out, because damn if my friends aren't going to pull out all the stops to bring a smile to my face (disco balls and wind machines have made frequent appearances as well as voo doo dolls….).   My clients are wonderful and expect me to help them organize, but never "perfect" their homes or lives, which makes me even happier because I am a really crappy driller and if they ever really looked closely at the shelves I am putting up in their closets for them I am putting tons of extra holes in their dry wall.

And I challenge ALL OF YOU to find this happy.  What we look for we often times seek - so stop looking at all that stuff that is only going to make you incredibly un-happy.  Because if you close your eyes, and instead open your heart, you might join in on my tune.  It's amazing what you might see, or where more importantly you might find yourself.  My guess is somewhere that people don't give a damn about being perfect.  Most likely you'll "Feel like a room without a roof-a".

I'm not letting go of this new found "Happy".  This new happy is when a friend of a friend's co-worker calls me because she heard I was one of "The Ex-Wives" and is a "Divorce Expert" of sorts.  This new happy is when I know deep down in my soul that God gave Holiday and I the ability to write, oh yeah and the same ex-husband, so that we could help millions of women with our book, our good energy, and our ability to help you get your groove back.  This new happy is where I'm singing along as loud as I can not quite in-tune with my sunroof down through the Starbucks drive-through lined up 10 deep with cars because I know "What happiness means to you - hey hey hey".

Because if I am vulnerable enough to admit all the mistakes I have made, and do so to help others, I'd say I am doing just fine. Further, if I continue to put my everything into helping get rid of the stigmata that accompanies divorce or being a single mother, then life is better than fine it's good.  In fact it is better than good, I'd say it is HAPPY.  And if I didn't let 3 ex-husbands stand in my way of happiness, I am sure as hell not going to let "Perfectionism".

Love,
V (Valerie)

lights, camera, action

In my last post I promised to be real, let go of the "perfection" and just write. So here we go...

Up until now, our blog posts have mostly revolved around our personal lives (ya know, embarrassing stories about kids, ex husbands, divorce disasters, etc.) but we've decided to expand things a bit and let our readers in on another side of our lives...the journey of writing, promoting, and ultimately, publishing, a book.  The Ex Wives' Guide to Divorce has truly been a labor of love, and after almost a year of writing, we're excited to announce the shift forward into the next phase of the game.

Last night was a first for us. Valerie and I sat in a television studio and filmed our first on camera interview. It was so cool! We got all beautified and arrived at the studio like rock stars (well, not really...but it sounds much better that way). Within ten minutes we were on the stage, getting wired with mics and adjusting ourselves to make sure the cameras would hit us on our "good sides". Our interviewer was fantastic (tthank you EW!) and once the cameras started rolling Valerie and I were in our element. It only took 2 takes (again, thank you EW!) for us to nail it. We're hoping it's exactly what our agent had in mind : )

You might be thinking...why did you do an on-camera interview? Valerie and I both have pretty bubbly personalities, and our agent requested an on-camera interview so the publishing houses we are pitching to can see the "real" Ex Wives. I think we did a pretty good job of telling our story on camera- we talked about how we met, why we wrote The Ex Wives' Guide to Divorce, and also explained why women need this book.

Once we finished shooting, Valerie and I whipped out our iPhones and started snapping pics...here are a few of my favorites! It all started with an attempted selfie with the cameras in the background...then it progressed into photo-bombing...which translated into (last pic) a selfie with an *attempted* photo bomb! The last picture just makes me LAUGH- it seriously looks like Valerie is flying through the air...priceless :) How did we ever survive without iPhones?!?!

 *poor Valerie has been battling a yucky cold...she looked pretty good for being all doped up on cough medicine!

*No Ex Wives were harmed during the making of this interview*

*SPECIAL THANKS TO C.P. and E.W. FOR MAKING THIS PRODUCTION POSSIBLE!