don't wrestle with a pig

When I need to vent, I call my mom. When I need someone to walk me off a cliff,  I call my dad. Don't get me wrong, my mom is wonderful and amazing and has been an incredible source of wisdom for me...but when it comes to the big stuff I call dad first.

Some of the best advice my dad ever game me was to never wrestle with a pig. Why?
Because you both get dirty and the pig likes it.

Wow. That's a great way to think about things, especially when all you want to do is address the "pig" and tell them where they can go.

I don't know about you, but I prefer not to compromise my grace and dignity for the enjoyment of a pig.

During the divorce process you're bound to encounter a few pigs. They might be in disguise, or they might show their true colors right away. Think back to middle school...when the "popular girl" was your BFF one day and the next day she decided she didn't like you anymore. She ignored you in the cafeteria, walked right by you and pretended you were invisible. Part of you wanted to confront, her, reminding her, "HELLO- remember 24 hours ago, when we were making plans for Friday night???" The other part of you just wanted to fast-forward until the day when she finally decides to be nice to you again...then everything would go back to normal. Until she does it again.

Her actions and behavior make you question yourself- "what did I do to her?" when the reality is this: you did NOTHING to her...she's just acting like a PIG. It is her intention to get under your skin, ruin your day, and create drama for absolutely no reason. Rise above, my friend. Rise above.

When the pig sees you sweat the pig has won the game (this is especially true during divorce mediation and/or court appearances).

So my advice to you during your divorce (or just life in general) is to resist the mud pit and let the karma train do the dirty work.

xo Holiday

The secretary survived...this time.

I'm not the violent type. Except for when someone takes the last bite of ice cream and leaves the EMPTY container in the freezer...only for me to be PMS'ing and find it...completely EMPTY during a chocolate attack. But that's a whole 'nother story...

Living in two houses is pretty annoying. Thankfully I never had to do it (until I was an adult- thanks Mom and Dad for sticking it out until I went to college)...but my kids have been going back and forth for 3 years now. Their dad and I decided from the get-go we would do everything we could to make the transition back and forth as seamless as possible. We do our best. But sometimes we fail.

Last Monday morning I woke up to the ding of my iPhone. "The girls don't have shoes for school. E has P.E. today." Grrrreeeeeat. Way to go, DAD. This was not exactly how I pictured my morning would start. I mean seriously...I have spent years training this man to get everything ready for the kids the night before...how is this the first time in 3 days you've required our children to wear "proper" shoes? Have they been running barefoot all weekend??? REALLY?!?!

Rather than get all huffy and puffy with him (which really does nothing but piss him off and start a useless argument) I jumped out of bed and got dressed. My husband gave me a dazed and confused look. When I showed him the message he smiled. He knew exactly what was going through my head because he has been in the same exact boat. Chances are, if you're a divorced (or separated) parent, you've been there.

I grabbed their shoes and headed for the door. My husband stopped me. "Ummmm, babe, I hate to tell you this but they probably won't let you drop those shoes off..they kinda don't like it when parents drop things off after the bell rings."

The giant lump started in my throat.
Angry mommy crept in.

The reality of public school hit me. Our daughter was no longer in the nice family-friendly private Christian school, where everyone welcomed you with smiles and rainbows no matter WHAT you were dropping off, delivering, or any other reason you were making an appearance during school "instructional" hours.

Look, I get it people. I used to be a teacher. There's nothing more annoying than a mommy running in to rescue her kid with the teddy bear he forgot on the counter for show-and-tell that day.

This was DIFFERENT.
My kid didn't have shoes and it was NOT HER FAULT.

It didn't matter.
I was gonna have to get past the school secretary with these shoes.

My response to my husband? "Well guess what...I don't really CARE if they don't like it...I'm bringing her her shoes and they're just gonna have to get OVER IT."

I fought tears in the car. Guilt covered me, I was sad, angry, and frustrated. My kids should never have to pay the price for the divorce they didn't ask for. My daughter should never have to get in trouble at school for something that was out of her control. Kids who live in one house never have to worry about this stuff...I failed.

Tears welled up in my eyes as I opened the door to the front office.
There she was. The school secretary in all of her glory.

"Good morning...can I help you?"

"Yes. I'm so sorry...we are new here and this is soooo not my style to ever do anything like this and I know it sounds silly but...my daughter needs her shoes. She was with her daddy this weekend and he lives 40 minutes away..."

 I started rambling. My voice was shaking.

SERIOUSLY HOLIDAY? You're going to let the school secretary scare you?
Since when do you have a shaky voice?
Ummmm...NEVER.
Pull it together, dammit. This is NOT HER FAULT.

Her body language was obvious- she instantly sat up straight in her chair and gave me a smile...She was about to tell me no.

I had to intervene or someone was gonna get hurt. Crazy mommy was kicking in, and either she was gonna take these shoes for my kid or I was gonna lose my shit in the main office (which probably wouldn't have gone over very well).

Deep breath. 

"Ma'am...I know you're just doing your job, but this is a parental problem, not a problem my child should have to deal with. This is our fault- not hers. Unfortunately divorce sucks. And sometimes parents screw up. My daughter shouldn't have to pay for my mistakes."

Silence.

She reached out her hand, gesturing for the bag with the shoes.
I handed it over, still fighting my tears.

Through her smile, in her sweet southern draw, she reminded me, "For the future, just know that it is against school policy to accept anything after the bell rings..."

"Yes, ma'am...I understand."

I walked out of the school office feeling ashamed. I also felt the need to share this story.

I know I'm not the only parent who has gone through this. And I'm wondering if our public school system has ever addressed these individual circumstances. As a former elementary school teacher I can honestly say I would choose a brief classroom interruption over any kid having a tough day at school ANYTIME. No questions asked.

But we all know the truth...the gatekeeper is the school secretary.

Maybe I should send her a cookie basket.

xoxo Holiday  :)