Tasting The Dream

Ever have a dream you wanted so bad you could literally taste it?

Taste it like freshly rinsed and patted dry rounded on a leaf perfectly dotted and fragrant ripe meaty strawberries straight off the Florida farm {if you have never had these you are soooo missing out...}.  Or like a Kir Royale.  Some dream of fruit, others the fruits of champagne...

You saw the dream.  You tasted the dream.  

You knew whatever your dream was - it was if God or the Universe or whatever you believe so deeply planted it within you, that unless it was watered and blessed to grow at some point in your life...  Well you might shrivel up, wither, and die a little.

When one has a dream of this magnitude {as Holiday and I did with our book} 

and then it comes true...  

Well sometimes although your dream was so vividly clear, 

you just can't ever know or see with as much clarity 
what your ACTUAL outcome will be. 

Besides the fact that your dream actually came true,

Most times you don't know what that, well, actually means in the end.

More specifically not only what it will mean to you, but will mean to others as well.

And I think it's safe to say THIS HAS HAPPENED TO ALL OF US.

LIKE IF Your dream is to be Senior Manager, but once your dream came true it came with added responsibilities and well feelings of both endless flight and outright fright you just couldn't have predicted.

With this comes the really good days you feel like you can justifiably {safely perhaps?!?} declare "My dream came true!!!  Woo hoo!!!"  Days for example that it feels good to be a voice on behalf of others who need your help or humor or forthrightness or talent or whatever you have they need to share if only a moment with you {it might actually make you forget all of the struggle}.

And I'm here to remind you there will be really rough days.  Days you feel like a hand is permanently pinning you down despite all the work, and time/energy, and best efforts, and open hearted love and care you have poured into making the divine seed planted within you grow.  They'll question your purpose and question you, which in-turn leads you to question yourself a little {sometimes a lot}.  

But you get back up, weak in the knees and with a cracked rib or two {but tape in hand}, and you get ready to fight the good fight again.   
Kir Royale in the other hand with fresh Florida strawberry floating {obviously...}. 
Again.  
And again.  

Because we all know dreams come at a high price 

and you didn't just expect to be handed anything, patted on the back, 

and told "WELL DONE!" while they golf clap for you...  Did you?

Maybe your dream is writing a book, or having a child, or landing the corner office of the 17th floor, or going back to school, or getting in the shape of your life, or finding love again after the despair of divorce....

And no matter what your dream is, I'm hear to tell you the obvious - IT IS POSSIBLE TO ACHIEVE IT - IF YOU PUT IN THE WORK AND STAY ALIGNED WITH THE RIGHT REASONS...  Yes I said RIGHT reasons there.

Fear not though, I'm here to shed a little light Now That The Dust Of Media Tour Frenzy Has Settled {soon copywriting that}.  I'm willing to share some tidbits I've accumulated over the past 3 months on said media tour.  Tidbits I wished somebody would have told me before climbing the goal ladder got realllll.  {Besides advice like just because you are in a different town every week doesn't mean you are technically on vacation and allowed to eat dessert at every meal... My pants would have appreciated that advice...}

Advice not just about the dream of our particular book, 

BUT HOW IN THE END MAYBE IT'S ALL ABOUT JUST TRUSTING ALL OF OUR COLLECTIVE DREAMS ARE THERE NOT ONLY FOR US... BUT {MOSTLY} FOR OTHERS.

Remember...
When you are fighting for your dream, you will be dependent on others as well as yourself.  Especially because your dream is not just for you.  

There will be lovely people who help your dream catch flight along the way.  When you have a strong vision lit by love and compassion, the right gardeners will be put in your life to help your seeds grow.  It's important to show gratitude and thanks to these people and help water them some in return, these people are invaluable to not only you, but the wonderful world we live in.   Sincere and genuine gratitude, not just in the "Oh my gosh let's connect on Instagram and I'll soooo promote you too!" kind of way.  In the "This is how much your kindness has meant to me, and what can I genuinely do to help your dream, job, life grow a little taller towards where the sun shines brightly."  And most of these gardners are disguised in the every day people and every day moments kind of way, not the grandiose pinch me kind of moments.  That is KEY...  

There will also be some jerks along the way.  Not that they are purposely trying to be a jerk to you, or your dream, or your vision...  They won't care or try to understand the way you do, and you can't expect them too.  For some people it's easier to just not care what effect their words and actions and energy have on others {akin to certain of my divorce memories}.  So don't take it personally, and don't let it ruin, or stop the climb.  Because luckily these people are mostly few and far between {and will someday be long forgotten}.

AND...  Last but not least...  Once you can officially shout from the hilltop
 "I DID IT / WE DID IT / WE ALL DID IT!!!" 
the view will be different than anything you could have ever imagined.
And this might be just fine, or not quite right, or better than best.  
Because again, your dream might be there to serve others.  

And your voice might echo so loud it will start an avalanche {which can be good or bad - either way there will be lost sheep guaranteed}.   

You might belt it out like perfectly pitched Maria in The Sound of Music and the hills will indeed be alive with the sound of music.

Or you might gasp it out in a half-breath curled into a ball on the barren earth like after the 3 hour Tough Mudder you just barely endured {covered in mud in crevices you didn't even know existed on your body} shaking from dehydration.   

Either way you will have done it.  You achieved the dream.

And if you only remember one thing remember this...  You don't walk away un-changed. 

WHETHER IT'S ACTUALLY ACHIEVING SOMETHING,

OR GOING THROUGH SOMETHING TOUGH 

SO YOU CAN REACH YOUR DREAMS...

{LIKE A NEVER-ENDING DIVORCE,

OR SWITCHING JOBS,
OR OVERCOMING ANY TYPE OF ADVERSITY}

I can promise you you'll remember the people who helped.

Whether your seed of a dream was to just simply survive or thrive by growing a little 

or turning into the biggest damn sunflower Kansas has ever seen...

You will walk away wanting more, or possibly less, 

or possibly more but in a less kind of way do you? 

{So channeled Yoda there...}

You just won't know until you get there.

What we do know?  We soooo know you'll get there...

xo, Valerie {of Valerie and Holiday - The Ex-Wives}

happy {would be} anniversary

12 years ago today I said, “I do” to a man in the middle of an ice storm. 

It was a day late.

Our original wedding date was set for January 29^th, but thanks to an ice storm the entire state of Georgia was frozen…no one was going anywhere.

Our wedding was cancelled. 
I cried. A lot.

We were married the next day.

Now, 12 years later, I reflect on this major life event and can’t help but laugh. I mean really, rrrrreeeaaallly laugh. It was the train wreck of all train wrecks. I was Bridezilla at her finest, in complete psycho mode without an ice-free sidewalk to stand on. My “dream wedding” was hardly the fairytale I had been planning for. But at the end of the day we were married, and that was all that mattered…right?

This day used to make me sad.  January 30^th had been a day when I would take a stroll down memory lane with a box of Kleenex (and carbs…). One year I even landed my minivan in a ditch (thank you very much ice storm of 2014). You can read my blog post from that night here.

But guess what? The days of sappy nostalgia on January 30^th are over. Will I always remember this day with fond memories? Absolutely. I will never regret marrying him because the two beautiful children we have together were worth every ounce of heartache. But the crying is over.

In preparing to share this tonight I’ve been thinking… how can I relate this story to our readers? Why in the world would you care about my wedding story (or my divorce for that matter?) 

In an effort to connect the dots, and in honor of what would have been 12 years, I share with you…

12 Years, 12 Lessons:

1. The state of Georgia should ban weddings on January 29th or 30th (unless you're going for a Frozen theme with Elsa, Anna and Olaf)
2. Just because you got divorced doesn't mean your marriage was a mistake.
3. Ex-wives have a lot more in common than you think.
4. It's okay to look at old wedding pictures...and cry. (I saved ours because I wanted our children to have memories of their parents together).
5. One should never attempt to drive a minivan on icy roads during an ice storm. *side note: if you are a newly single mama please do not buy a minivan unless you absolutely have to...seriously. Don't believe me? Check this out.
6. I should have been nicer to my stepmother.
7. The pain you might be feeling now is real...but it won't last forever.
8. Co-parenting with you ex is the most important piece of the parenting puzzle. Your kids didn't ask for a divorce.
9. Boyfriends come and go but girlfriends are forever (7th grade advice from my mom).
10. Even on your worst day there is someone out there who's got it worse. Be grateful.
11. To live your dream life you must write your own fairy tale.
12. Some of life's greatest blessings come from your greatest heartaches.

Life has a funny way of coming full circle. God’s blessings are hidden in the brokenness.

If I hadn’t gotten married I would have never gotten divorced…and without this divorce I would have never met Valerie…and without Valerie our book, The Ex-Wives’ Guide to Divorce, wouldn’t exist.

Was this the fairy tale I dreamed of on January 30, 2005? Absolutely not.

But I wouldn’t change a thing...well, maybe the minivan J

The Apology I Never Received

This past Christmas and New Years I did something strange.  So strange that if you told me 5 years ago {while in the throngs of a some-what-who-am-I-kidding-very-much nasty divorce} what I would be doing for Christmas in 2016, I probably would have put a curse on you.  Okay not a really mean curse like one that would make you lose all your hair or die in an accident, but more like a curse of having to see what it felt like to live a day of my life during my divorce.  That would be curse enough for anyone.

So what exactly did I do this past Christmas that was so strange?

I flew to England with my mother and step-father to have Christmas with my ex-mother-in-law, my ex-husband, and my son.   

As in all of us together.  

At the same time.  

As in all of us together.  

In the same flat.  

As in all of us together...

As in I couldn't make that up even if I wanted to.

Why did I possibly agree to doing something as bananas and foreign concept to most of us that are divorced or separated as this?  Even fellow ex-wife Holiday wondered!

Because I love my son.
Because I love my previous mother-in-law who is getting on in age and can't travel as much.
Because I love my mother and step-father who "Just can't imagine a Christmas without Liam."
{Notice my mom didn't mention me in there just my son...}
Because my Ex had visitation rights the first week of winter break and I only had visitation rights for 4 hours on Christmas day per our separation agreement and he very nicely asked me six months in advance if they could spend it with my son's Grandmother there.
And, because part of that journey of learning to love oneself after the bottom falls out includes realizing sometimes you have to accept an apology you never received {or ever will} in order to move yourself forward. 

Key words being ACCEPT and YOURSELF.

Accepting and forgiving are entirely different things, at least to me.  One can forgive another, but still not accept what has happened.  Their actions and thoughts still tend to wander down the "what if this hadn't happened or that person wouldn't have done that" isle.  And trust me, that's one isle you need to push your cart with already overflowing stuff away from as fast as you freaking can.... 

I can say with certainty I had forgiven my Ex a few years back when I was incredibly ill with a tumor.  The one upside of when you think you're gonna die, is you tend to let go of all of the b.s.{divorce fell in this category for me}.  You have such a crystal clear vision of what life is about.  

And I'm here to report life is about love, helping others, 

and letting go of all the bad you think has been done to you 

because at the end of the day, 

the bad is probably what held you back or pushed you forward 

depending on what you did with the "bad".   

Clearly I had not done enough with the "bad" and it was still holding a part of me back.  

So no matter who you are waiting for your apology you never got from

your mother

your father

your sibling

your ex-{fill in the blank}

your neighbor

your boss who you want{ed} to kick in the a$$ really really hard

Sometimes you just need to accept the apology you are never going to get,

and make your life a hell of a lot easier.

The apology I felt I deserved and wanted so badly never came.  Not even when my Ex had the flu one time - you know how crazy crap comes flying out of your mouth when you are running a fever and puking all the time and you are wayyyyy nicer and looser with the feelings that you normally would be with your guard up and health protecting you.

So then how does one just accept it and let it go?

Well one day early in 2016 I woke up feeling sicker than sick in a you knew you did it to yourself kind of way.  Like I had eaten an entire wheel of brie {yes - sadly a very real thing for me} or ate a burrito at 10pm and chugged a liter of coke to wash it down {yes - sadly this also is a very real thing for me but not in an I'm allergic kind of way}. But I hadn't eaten brie or a burrito, and I knew I wasn't getting sick.  However I did go to bed with thoughts in my head of just how far a please, thank you, and an I'm sorry goes when co-parenting with your Ex.  Or doesn't go {cue the descending whah whah whah whahhhh sound}.  Basically I had woken up with a hangover of entanglement.

So I did what any right minded individual would do and stared out my window at the beautiful sunrise that seemed to be stuck in between storm clouds and wind whipping by, and screamed "What the hell Universe!!!" I swear it was the creepiest thing but it was like the universe whispered back to me "You're never going to get your sorry, let it goooooo, you're only hurting yourself."   

So I decided right there and then 

I would try to accept the apology I would never get 

to make life a heck of a lot easier... mostly on myself.  

But in trying to accept my never to be spoken apology, I too had to issue a very loud apology.  I was sorry for all the anger, and snarkiness, and dreams I had had of beating heads against sidewalks {okay - maybe not as sorry for that as it was just a dream and damn did it make me feel better at the time} that contributed to a less than perfect marriage and after divorcing had kept me temporarily tangled to the perceived "bad".  I had some owning up to do also - the "bad" I had done that I had not properly apologized for - and not just what I probably owed my Ex but also to myself.  

If it worked for me - and it can work for you too.

Set the intention, yell at the universe, 

have one of your friends apologize and pretend to be that person,

and then just accept it and move forward like the bad a$$ you are.

So now?  Now that I spent a Christmas with my Ex and most of my 2016 listening to my silent apology?  Well my life is a whole lot easier.  And my co-parenting relationship with my Ex is exponentially better.  Like leaps and bounds better.

Oh, and my Christmas and New Years was a wholeeee lot brighter.  It was easy.  It was light.  And not just because wine was involved.  It was magical and joy filled and every other sugar-plum ferry type feeling and word out there, because at the end of the day I spent a lovely Christmas with my son, family, and the feeling that the past was truly in the past.  Right where it belonged.  {And I sure as hell hope it stays there.}

  

And voila!  The silent apologies were heard loud and clear.  

And there was peace on Earth.

{At least on my little slice of heaven on Earth...}

AND I URGE ALL OF YOU LOVELY FRIENDS,

hear and accept the apology you may never get.

Use whatever your "bad" was to move you forward not hold you back.

Because if I've learned anything, 

an "easier" life does wonders on just about everything.

xo, Valerie {of Holiday and Valerie, The Ex-Wives'}