Once Upon a Time...

Once upon a time I had a neighbor. We'll call her Sally, just for fun.

Sally lived next door to me, she had two boys, a husband (we'll call him Joe) and a dog. Our kids were close in age so we would typically chat on the sidewalk, supervising bicycle accidents and standard cul-de-sac shenanigans. Nothing too personal, just generic friendly neighbor chat.

I'll never forget the Halloween Sally and I got to rrreeeallllly know each other. Her husband had taken a group of kids around the neighborhood on a hay ride (mine included) and we were left hanging on the front porch together. Conversation was flowing naturally, and then she dropped the bomb.

"Joe doesn't want me hanging out with you...he's afraid you're going to convince me to divorce him."

I was completely shocked. What??? Did she really just say that? Yes, yes, indeed, she did. Then I realized something I had been oblivious to before...

I was "the one"...the token neighborhood single girl who had the guts to leave her husband, file for divorce, and move on with her life. On top of it all, I was in the process of co-writing a book about helping women survive and navigate the divorce process. My strength and courage intimidated this man. What a shame.

At that time I knew nothing about their marriage, but the thought of him intentionally keeping his wife from me was somewhat concerning. Time passed and I got to know the real Sally. She opened up, shared her heart, and was completely vulnerable with me. I think I was the only person in the world who didn't judge her for the truths her life was. I was the unconditional friend who could listen without judgement, the one person in her world who could possibly understand what she was going through.

Truth be told, her husband was extremely abusive and controlling (shocker), and after their move across town into their "dream home" filled with fancy furniture and all the fixins, she finally got the guts to walk away.

Newsflash, Joe...her decision to leave you had nothing to do with me...in fact, the truth is I encouraged her to stay. I prayed for her. I prayed for YOU. I encouraged her to seek counseling, to go to church and to dig into her Bible...I even shared my dating disaster stories with her, in hopes that she would see the truth...the grass is not always greener.

When I tell people I have co-written a book about divorce the initial reaction is "ohhhhhhh..."Like it's a hush-hush kind of thing. I've gotten used to this reaction, especially living in the south where the word "divorce" is just as bad as dropping the f-bomb.

The truth is this...just because we wrote a book about divorce doesn't mean we're running around town telling women to leave their husbands. If anything we are encouraging them to do the work to try and save their marriages.

Our goal in writing The Ex-Wives' Guide to Divorce was to HELP women not only survive the divorce process but recognize there can be some light at the end of that really dark, scary tunnel. Is the tunnel full of rainbows and unicorns? Absolutely not. But nothing in life is.

xoxo Holiday

Ex-Wives Guide to Girlfriends

Last week I was treated to a piece of heaven by my Girlfriends, in St. Thomas, at The Ritz.  One of "The Girlfriends" {as we call ourselves} had a free place for us to stay, in St. Thomas, at The Ritz.

And to put a cherry on top of that rum filled, sugar rimmed paradise place to stay in St. Thomas, at The Ritz {I think I keep repeating this because it hasn't really sunk in yet even though I'm already home...} one of my closest Girlfriends purchased my plane ticket for me in exchange for some writing and social media help I had given her over the past year. {Personally, I think I might have gotten the better end of that deal...}

You know, only the kind of thing a bonafied, genuine, forever kind of friend would do.  Because she and the other Girlfriends didn't want me to have to miss out yet again on the bi-annual trip...  Or maybe they just missed having someone to poke fun of because I normally provide a wide runway for my crash landings.

I missed the last two big Girlfriends trips because of things out of my control {tumors, divorce b.s., financial issues thanks to divorce b.s., and being really sick}.  And it sucked.  Suckedy sucked sucked sucked.  Mostly because I had missed out on making memories that stay fresh in the mind, but tight on the lips {as in with a BIG key} with forever friends of 20 - 40yrs like these Girlfriends who ALWAYS have your back. 

Trips with easy breezy, side splitting, loud laughing, snorting kind of fun times, 

mostly reserved for the ones who know too much so they will always be your friends.
Good times or bad, these gals are there for you.
Although each in a different way, they still would help you bury the body.
{Just kidding!!}

But this year I was going to be there in the flesh and not just in spirit with the Girlfriends to help laugh and snort and get into as much PG13 trouble as we could possibly stir up in the USVI's.  PG13 because all of us are 40+ and R rated just takes wayyyyy to much effort.

I had someone to watch my son {thanks Granma Clarkie!} was already assigned a side to a bed {sorry Kim for the snoring!} and ticketed {thanks Sunny!}.  Not even a hurricane was going to keep me away from the U.S.V.I's and The Girlfriends bi-annual trip.  Okay, well maybe a hurricane would have because I think they have rules and stuff about flying into the eye of a hurricane, but ONLY a hurricane.

There I was, day one, slung back in the type of hammock you drool over in Travel & Leisure, staring at paradise in St. Thomas, at The Ritz, {yep... still not reality} sipping my "Italian Ice" comprised of proof filled goodness next to my Girlfriends.  As I stared out into the Caribbean waters swirling with teal and azure blue, the colors my eyes both tried to soak up and mimic like a chameleon,  I started thinking about the book I co-wrote, The Ex-Wives Guide to Divorce.

More specifically, when writing the book, some of the content seemed to literally crash onto the computer screen with as much force as the waves before me in colors so bright that only God or the Universe could have created them.

It was as if those words had already been written,

and I was being used as a conduit in getting it down on paper. 

Especially in the Chapter "Choose Your Crew".  

See I was charged with editing as well as stringing together the ENTIRE book of what H and I had written - and in the final moments before the big turn-in date to our publisher I noticed something missing.  Although our ENTIRE book was a tribute and homage to Girlfriends and women on a whole - we didn't really go into detail as to the exact detailed type of Girlfriends we should have by our side during a divorce or marriage shake up!

The Girlfriends that of course have your back NO MATTER WHAT, but yet each bring something different to the table {or in the instance of divorce when you feel like the ship is sinking...}.

So I decided to add an entire section to our chapter H had mostly written... 

and the words came flowing out as beautifully colored as the Caribbean shades of blue before me. 

And I might be so bold to declare...  It was my FAVORITE section of not only that chapter, but the entire book.  Because describing each type of Girlfriend you want in your lifeboat to help you both weather the storms and help steer you to sunnier skies throughout life was easy peasy for me, as The Girlfriends sitting now lined up next to me one by one, beach chair by beach chair, were my living examples.

To my immediate right was C Money - A combination of a "Straight Shooter" and "Fun Friend".  Many a night during my first two divorces she would do my makeup - make me get out of my comfy pants - and strap me in her convertible blaring music while "Goin' a hundred, on the highway, so get the f#@! out of my way".  Fun was our priority, and damn if we weren't going to have it.  On the other hand she was also a Straight Shooter - if I started to complain or bemoan about my soon to be Ex - she was the first to point out "Well you knew he argued for a living, so why on earth were you surprised when all he wanted to do was argue with you?"  Much needed just deal with it and quit complaining advice.

Then there was Sunny - my "In The Weeds" Girlfriend that was willing to do the heavy lifting when all I had the ability to do was breathe. One particular time when I was at best a lump on the sofa, she brought over a gourmet pot pie, a couple bags full of groceries to re-stock my fridge, as well as her Dyson ball vacuum cleaner.  All because I told her that if I had the strength (or Doctors permission) I wished I could get on my hands and knees and thoroughly clean my floors.  So guess what she did - Dysoned and scrubbed every inch of my floors.  Like all good "In The Weeds" friends would do.

 Next to Sunny were Theresa and Janet, not Girlfriends I see all the time because one lives in a different state, and one is an International flight attendant.  However, through every divorce, every life change, every anything in my life {as well as everyone else's} they are the ones that are the super duper "Listener Friends".  When anyone is stressed, or scrambled, or confused - they whip out the flashlight to help guide you back to sanity while your mouth and thoughts run a mile a minute.  They both are the types that listen until nothing more can come out {thankfully}, and then offer to listen more if that's what you need.  Because they are extraordinary women.

And last but not least stretched out was Kim - who although I don't see her as often due to location as well - is my "Safe House" friend.  No matter what I {or anybody else for that matter} tell her, she is there to listen and not judge.  Although she herself is very conservative, anything that even fringes on cray cray is okay kay with her - because she is there to love and support and your side is the only side as far as she is concerned.

AND I know all of YOU have the exact type of friends,

and if you have ever been through a challenging time or divorce,

they were the ones that made sure you and your ship didn't sink.

There is your glance into proudly what is my bestest {I know bestest is not a word but it should be} section I personally wrote - and you'll find much more in the book The Ex-Wives Guide to Divorce.

{IS IT AUGUST 16th YET?!?  OUR RELEASE DATE CAN'T COME FAST ENOUGH!}

These Girlfriends had been there to support me through 3 divorces, 2 rounds with a tumor kicking my ass, 4 moves within the last 4 years during and after my latest divorce, and ONE really big financial devastation.  MAJOR dips in my life.  And now they were sitting next to me, here in paradise, during one of the best times in my life - the year I was healthy and would get to see my dream {BOOK} come to life.

So, I leave you with this - if I am ever quoted in the press or remembered for the legacy of this book, I hope it's for my quote below.  This one not only goes out to "The Girlfriends" - but to all of YOU.  May your Girlfriends always be the ones to share and support your ups and downs through both the storms and sunshine of life.

LOVE, Valerie {a.k.a Ex-Wife #1 and Topsy to The Girlfriends}

"In my opinion. family sees you for who you used to be and who you are today.  

Friends tend to see you for who you should or will be.  

It's as if they have had a secret viewing into the depths of your soul 

and the universe has sent them the key to help you unlock 

that authentic girl out from where she's hiding" - Valerie Shepherd