Here at The Ex-Wives Guide we pretty much like to beat a dead horse when it comes to 2 things:
1. Organize, organize, organize when it comes to getting a legal divorce
- it is a business transaction not an emotional transaction -
so hike up the Big Girl Panties and treat it as such.
{a.k.a. bye bye thong}
2. Time heals. No seriously - it does.
{like really really does}
Maybe it's been all the grey and cold and rain here in Atlanta lately, but I have really {like really really} been thinking about how so many women I know are seriously selling themselves short {like really really short}.
It's as if they don't know their worth…
So, I'm about to add a 3rd thing to that above list:
3. Know your worth.
{defined by you and only you}
And to me this is scary. Scary not just because it is the ONE THING I implore all of us to hold true to ourselves, but especially scary because I would lob myself onto that court of confusion lately.
You know someone's struggling with their worth when you find yourself saying things to them like I've said this week.
To my Girlfriend on the fence with her 'boyfriend':
"If you found his profile active on Match and Tinder, small hunch here, but my guess is it wasn't just out of his claimed "curiosity". It's because he's dating or looking to date other people."
Or my new personal favorite, what I wisely said to a girlfriend last night regarding her ex-boyfriend:
"If you're not worth a muffin, what are you worth?" {I actually said this…}
Or sadly this one said to me by H referring to my Organization business:
"V - Do you not understand you, your time, and rock star skills are worth something? If you can't see that, how do you expect your clients to?"
Why are these strong, beautiful, kind hearted women that shine brighter than the stars turning into this? That Girl who doesn't know her Worth seems to be overtaking our city like the measles took over Disneyland. {Don't even get me started on that one…}
Why am I turning into this, simply because a client of mine is looking to re-define her needs? I've known for years I either need to grow wings for my business, or look at different paths, but neither of these should have anything to do with another's choices. They should have to do with mine. What is That Girl scared of for Pete's sake - I have been a successful business woman for many years - haven't I?!?
Failure. That's what all of us are scared of. We don't want to "fail" at one more single thing. Not. One. More. Because for some reason we would rather carve away at our self-worth than grab the chisel and stab the M.F. who is wearing us down.
At some point we need to machete our way through the fields of dreams that didn't come true, and pre-conceived notions, and b.s., and everything we have been told by others we are not. Because Girlfriends - we are.
That's right. We are. We are worthy.
Worthy of our own love {as well as others}. Worthy of our own beliefs. Worthy of our own f'ing support.
And it is not their fault we can't see our own worth - the husbands, ex-husbands, boyfriends, ex-boyfriends, clients, bosses, co-workers, nosy neighbors, _____ {insert here}. It is ours. We need to realize the only person we have to point the finger at is ourselves. That's right - I said it.
The Boyfriend didn't fail my friend because he was on Match and Tinder, she failed herself by not knowing her self worth and kicking him to the curb the minute she saw it instead of making up the excuse blurb.
The Ex-Boyfriend didn't fail my other friend because he made a dozen bran muffins from his Grandma's recipe one morning and refused to share with her. That's right - wouldn't give her one freaking muffin. Claimed he needed them "to last the week - that's why I made twelve". Unless he was the most constipated 45 year old male on the planet, I highly doubt he couldn't have given up one of his precious bran muffins to not only the lovely girl he had been dating for months, but someone he had just shared his bed with last night. She failed herself by not grabbing the muffin pan and hurtling every single bran muffin out the front door into the perfectly manicured bushes, and then sashaying herself out the front door behind them. Instead she just told him okay and chipped a little more at her boundaries and self-worth. {I personally would have picked up one of the bran muffins out of the bushes and ate it for dramatics. Again - the movie reel in my head definitely has a leading lady when I'm in the Oscar zone.}
Because as I said before… If you're not worth a muffin, what are you worth?
We need to stop looking to others to define us.
We need to change the movie reel in our head and start playing our own leading ladies {damsels in distress are always the first to be killed off anyways}.
We need to stop letting others define our worth.
We need to realize our intuition and soul will never guide us wrong - stop blindfolding/silencing them - they know a thing or two.
If you can't see that you are worthy, then call a girlfriend, she'll tell you. And if she doesn't steer you straight down the path of re-discovering your self-worth then run away from her. As fast as you can. Like your hair is on fire or somebody screamed first one over here gets free Christian Louboutin shoes.
And while you're at it - runaway from the girl you used to be - the one that doesn't know her worth. Because That Girl is Gone.
We run away from That Girl because chances are pretty good that that she:
- avoided red flags
- didn't draw strong enough boundaries, personally or emotionally
- was so tired of the b.s. she just constantly felt drained - and it's easier to make excuses then take action
- woke up or went to bed with serious dread, daily, thinking "Is this really all I'm worth?"
- was putting her time and energy into things, people, and thoughts that were not worthwhile
- was spending more effort trying to control others as opposed to just controlling herself
- wanted someone to save her when in reality if she would have just played the leading lady she would have won an Oscar by now
- wanted someone to save her when in reality if she would have just played the leading lady she would have won an Oscar by now
- MOST IMPORTANTLY - represents someone whom we don't want to be anymore.
And I was 'That Girl" in my last marriage. And it seems I am becoming "That Girl" in some of my relationships. Letting them drive the Mack Truck of my self-worth while loudly blowing out a big ol' woo woo on the trucker horn - with me just sitting in the backseat wishing and fishing instead of fighting and righting.
And I was 'That Girl" in my last marriage. And it seems I am becoming "That Girl" in some of my relationships. Letting them drive the Mack Truck of my self-worth while loudly blowing out a big ol' woo woo on the trucker horn - with me just sitting in the backseat wishing and fishing instead of fighting and righting.
If you would have told me 3 years ago {in the throngs of a very contentious divorce, wondering if I would be able to afford anything, suffering daily from serious health issues} that my son and I would be in a community we love and I had made my dream come true of being a published writer while staying self-employed as an Organizer… I seriously doubt I would have believed you.
But it's true. I did it. Left 'That Girl' who was not going to be defined by the bad choices of another and created the life my soul envisioned and yearned for. My self-worth carried me through hard times. And she'll probably have to do it again. Like now. So I better start treating her better and shut the hell up and listen when she's trying to speak to me.
Woo woo - did you hear that? That was me honking my own trucker horn from the drivers seat.
And it's true. My Girlfriends are not seeing their worth. These are beautiful girls {inside and out of course} that have had big careers, count their good friends on both hands, have supportive families, have battled strokes and cancer all before 40, and live a gratitude filled life.
Woooo woooo - did you hear that? That was me honking my girlfriend's trucker horns so freaking loud they couldn't help but hear it. And now they want to jump out of the back seat and take the wheel back.
They're just caught in the I'm tired of failing, so I'll just close my eyes and ears vicious circle many women fall prey to. Because it is easier on the head, and more importantly on the heart. But these are smart girls, who, when needing the nudge back on the right path towards re-discovering and defining their own self-worth on their own terms will.
Oh, I don't know why we sometimes let others define one of our most precious commodities, self-worth. Maybe because it is hard enough to keep our eyes on the day to day, we often forget what our big picture looked in the first place, or how far we have actually come. Or maybe it's because of sheer exhaustion we have handed out the leading roles in our own lives to everyone else, and the only role left is the victim or crappy walk on part.
Or maybe, just maybe, it's because we need to stop looking outside ourselves and instead look in and listen hard to the Julia Roberts within all of us.
Because you are worth way more than you will ever know Girlfriends -
and I hope you not only know this, but live it.
Love, V {and her re-affirmed self worth}
