This past Christmas and New Years I did something strange. So strange that if you told me 5 years ago {while in the throngs of a some-what-who-am-I-kidding-very-much nasty divorce} what I would be doing for Christmas in 2016, I probably would have put a curse on you. Okay not a really mean curse like one that would make you lose all your hair or die in an accident, but more like a curse of having to see what it felt like to live a day of my life during my divorce. That would be curse enough for anyone.
So what exactly did I do this past Christmas that was so strange?
I flew to England with my mother and step-father to have Christmas with my ex-mother-in-law, my ex-husband, and my son.
As in all of us together.
At the same time.
As in all of us together.
In the same flat.
As in all of us together...
As in I couldn't make that up even if I wanted to.
Why did I possibly agree to doing something as bananas and foreign concept to most of us that are divorced or separated as this? Even fellow ex-wife Holiday wondered!
Because I love my son.
Because I love my previous mother-in-law who is getting on in age and can't travel as much.
Because I love my mother and step-father who "Just can't imagine a Christmas without Liam."
{Notice my mom didn't mention me in there just my son...}
Because my Ex had visitation rights the first week of winter break and I only had visitation rights for 4 hours on Christmas day per our separation agreement and he very nicely asked me six months in advance if they could spend it with my son's Grandmother there.
And, because part of that journey of learning to love oneself after the bottom falls out includes realizing sometimes you have to accept an apology you never received {or ever will} in order to move yourself forward.
Key words being ACCEPT and YOURSELF.
Accepting and forgiving are entirely different things, at least to me. One can forgive another, but still not accept what has happened. Their actions and thoughts still tend to wander down the "what if this hadn't happened or that person wouldn't have done that" isle. And trust me, that's one isle you need to push your cart with already overflowing stuff away from as fast as you freaking can....
I can say with certainty I had forgiven my Ex a few years back when I was incredibly ill with a tumor. The one upside of when you think you're gonna die, is you tend to let go of all of the b.s.{divorce fell in this category for me}. You have such a crystal clear vision of what life is about.
And I'm here to report life is about love, helping others,
and letting go of all the bad you think has been done to you
because at the end of the day,
the bad is probably what held you back or pushed you forward
depending on what you did with the "bad".
Clearly I had not done enough with the "bad" and it was still holding a part of me back.
So no matter who you are waiting for your apology you never got from
your mother
your father
your sibling
your ex-{fill in the blank}
your neighbor
your boss who you want{ed} to kick in the a$$ really really hard
Sometimes you just need to accept the apology you are never going to get,
and make your life a hell of a lot easier.
The apology I felt I deserved and wanted so badly never came. Not even when my Ex had the flu one time - you know how crazy crap comes flying out of your mouth when you are running a fever and puking all the time and you are wayyyyy nicer and looser with the feelings that you normally would be with your guard up and health protecting you.
So then how does one just accept it and let it go?
Well one day early in 2016 I woke up feeling sicker than sick in a you knew you did it to yourself kind of way. Like I had eaten an entire wheel of brie {yes - sadly a very real thing for me} or ate a burrito at 10pm and chugged a liter of coke to wash it down {yes - sadly this also is a very real thing for me but not in an I'm allergic kind of way}. But I hadn't eaten brie or a burrito, and I knew I wasn't getting sick. However I did go to bed with thoughts in my head of just how far a please, thank you, and an I'm sorry goes when co-parenting with your Ex. Or doesn't go {cue the descending whah whah whah whahhhh sound}. Basically I had woken up with a hangover of entanglement.
So I did what any right minded individual would do and stared out my window at the beautiful sunrise that seemed to be stuck in between storm clouds and wind whipping by, and screamed "What the hell Universe!!!" I swear it was the creepiest thing but it was like the universe whispered back to me "You're never going to get your sorry, let it goooooo, you're only hurting yourself."
So I decided right there and then
I would try to accept the apology I would never get
to make life a heck of a lot easier... mostly on myself.
But in trying to accept my never to be spoken apology, I too had to issue a very loud apology. I was sorry for all the anger, and snarkiness, and dreams I had had of beating heads against sidewalks {okay - maybe not as sorry for that as it was just a dream and damn did it make me feel better at the time} that contributed to a less than perfect marriage and after divorcing had kept me temporarily tangled to the perceived "bad". I had some owning up to do also - the "bad" I had done that I had not properly apologized for - and not just what I probably owed my Ex but also to myself.
If it worked for me - and it can work for you too.
Set the intention, yell at the universe,
have one of your friends apologize and pretend to be that person,
and then just accept it and move forward like the bad a$$ you are.
So now? Now that I spent a Christmas with my Ex and most of my 2016 listening to my silent apology? Well my life is a whole lot easier. And my co-parenting relationship with my Ex is exponentially better. Like leaps and bounds better.
Oh, and my Christmas and New Years was a wholeeee lot brighter. It was easy. It was light. And not just because wine was involved. It was magical and joy filled and every other sugar-plum ferry type feeling and word out there, because at the end of the day I spent a lovely Christmas with my son, family, and the feeling that the past was truly in the past. Right where it belonged. {And I sure as hell hope it stays there.}
And voila! The silent apologies were heard loud and clear.
And there was peace on Earth.
{At least on my little slice of heaven on Earth...}
AND I URGE ALL OF YOU LOVELY FRIENDS,
hear and accept the apology you may never get.
Use whatever your "bad" was to move you forward not hold you back.
Because if I've learned anything,
an "easier" life does wonders on just about everything.
xo, Valerie {of Holiday and Valerie, The Ex-Wives'}
