As promised, are you ready for a re-cap of last night's Girlfriend's Guide to Divorce? Cause I know I'm ready to give it to you - especially since last night's episode involved booze, a vibrator, and defacing a poster of your ex's younger girlfriend in your teenagers bedroom. The yogurt truck was just a big {low}fat bonus…
Episode 3: Rule #47: Always Take Advantage of "Me" Time
We all remember it… The first night we had alone time that was not by "choice". Without kids, without our +1, without our co-custody dog, without {fill in the blank} due to impending divorce. And we're about to relive our past and high five ourselves because at least our first night alone was not as bad as Abby's. If it was... well then you rock and we want to hear about it in the comments section below.
Our episode starts off with Abby shutting her fingers in a window her un-employed soon to be ex Jake still hasn't fixed yet. Love us some good metaphors and predictors! Abby also says shit in front of her kids. I'm hooked. {Wait Bravo - are you sure this is scripted and not reality?!?} They then go on to verbally assure each other they know the rules for the kiddos first night at Daddys. All I keep thinking is why the hell is Abby not recording this convo on her iPhone… Then Abby gives Jake the finger. I'm really hooked.
Cue coffee with the girlfriends Lyla and Phoebe. Abby is gloating about how happy she is without Jake in the house anymore and to have a night off!!! We all do this. We need to do this - to convince ourselves that we are 'lucky duckies' NOT 'sucky soon to be drunkies'. I personally remember everyone I saw my first night without my son by "choice". I kept exclaiming "Woo-hooooo! I finally get a night off!!!!!" Even to strangers. And everyone kept looking at me {especially the Publix bagger walking my groceries of cheese, 2 jumbo bags of red twizzlers, and 8 bottles of wine to my car} like why in the hell are you telling me this lady - I don't even know you - and because I work at Publix you're probably not even going to tip me!?! We must CONVINCE others so that we may convince ourselves. Abby's Girlfriends aren't buying it. They know. It's gonna suck the big one.
Next we are treated to Abby's gay brother Max helping her soon to be ex Jake shuttle in newly purchased goods for the kids into his new pad. Ohhhh, she's gonna be pissed! Then as they are walking, arms overflowing with recently purchased stuff in brown paper bags {really Bravo - Target didn't want to get on the product placement action because that would be way more realistic}, they get offered a hookup to get cocaine and Cialis by a new neighbor. And the welcome wagon has officially visited. Oh and some other new neighbor teaches acting all day {aka screaming at all hours but has a really good excuse} and is reallyyyy loud. If this doesn't spell perfect for kids, I don't know what does?!? All this new kid friendly pad is missing is cue the burgundy felt hatted pimp arm in arm with his ho in a blue sequined dress.
EWG Tip: See here's the difference… Women with kids would have stalked the shit out our new pad at all hours before we would EVER have committed.
We would have visited in the AM:
- to check out the other kids that ride the bus to school or walked {no other kids no dice}
- to see how the light would shine into the windows to set the mood for the day
- to make sure their wasn't too much light in our kids rooms
We would have visited around lunch:
- to see what the other residents were doing {had there been too many people there we would have deemed it filled with people without meaningful purpose and it would have been a no-go}
- to spy on the stay at home moms
We would have visited around dinner time:
- to make sure strong odors weren't seeping out of others doors into our new proposed pad
- to interrogate, I mean politely ask other neighbors if they liked living here
- to see if the light from sunsets was ideal for wrapping up a day
- to look for kids doing their homework through the windows of our would be neighbors {binoculars - check!}
We would of course have visited in the PM:
- to make sure it was quiet
- to make sure that the street lights didn't shine too brightly in our little ones would be bedrooms
- to again spy on neighbors {double zoom lenses on binoculars - check!}
But what does Paul do? Sign a freaking lease. Probably on the one showing looked clean enough, had 3 bedrooms, and in budget. I'll take it! And he's about to take it somewhere else if he doesn't stop hanging out with Abby's brother all of the time.
We then witness Lyla {could Janeane Garofalo be better casted? Love her!} choosing work over kids because Delia "hell on heels" other woman attorney at the firm is trying to push Lyla out of the picture with a big new client. Of course we have to see a little woman not supporting woman in the business world action because we have the nice juxtaposition of woman supporting woman in the personal world.
EWG Tip: When your ex is fighting you for full custody you might want to place your kids as a priority - a.k.a. kids first not work first. Five years later you won't say "Gosh, I wish I really wouldn't have missed that meeting!". But you will certainly say "Gosh, I wish I really wouldn't have handed over a golden Willy Wonkaesque ticket to my ex to get additional custody of our kids that one day!"
Lyla does stick it to the Principal of their kids school later in the episode explaining why she sent the Nanny in her place to story time - which I strangely really enjoyed despite her choosing work over her kids. Because if you go to a private school {or even public one!} all these volunteer opportunities just make working to pay the bill parents feel like big assholes when they can't make it to the 11:02am time slot - smack damn in the middle of a work day. Sometimes {not every time} a sub of someone your child loves kind of fits the bill in making your child feel both represented and supported at school, which really should be the entire point. Go on with your bad self!
Next we see Abby trying to get her creative on. Pitching one bad cliche after another. Not judging here - kind of Holiday and I when we should be writing but instead we're drinking margaritas coming up with funny names to sequels to our first book out a year from now... Pitching for her life, her career, and future financial security. Abby just lost her married life, not sure if she's ready to lose the other two but her tween agent is all like "OMG - you're career is so Kardashian!" {OVER}.
Commercial time - love the AT&T one with the Lil' John and DJ Snake song Turn Down For What - just Shazamed it and input my iTunes password. And I'll be playing it in 1,2,3… and sadly at decibel 3,2 okay maybe 1… Did I mention my 6 year old is asleep in the bedroom next door? Sorry DJ Snake and Lil' John - couldn't get as crunk as I wanted too and had to Turn it Down For someone.
Back to the action and we see Abby trying to get her creative on again… no such luck... again. But she gets a gift basket!!! From her Girlfriend Phoebe Godmother!!! {And a cute text from that married Dad that has the hots for her - more on this later because she doesn't reply - smart} I love she gets a freaking gift basket - because Abby and Phoebe were both probably Kappa Kappa Gamma's like Holiday and I and that's just what we women do! Nothing cheers a woman up quicker than getting support via gifted girlie stuff. Now not sure if a Kappa would gift a vibrator with a phone app - but definitely the wine part.
Next Paul is showing his teenage daughter, I mean his girlfriend tv star Becca his new "I can get coke anytime I want biotch" bachelor kids every-other weekend pad. Of course she wants to get it on. Of course he tries to show he has to be responsible and all and focus on getting his pad ready. {No work and all play makes an anxiety filled dull boy duller}. Of course he ultimately ends up getting it on with Becca. Did you see the cute shorts she was wearing? If I was wearing those shorts and my unemployed boyfriend didn't want to christen his new drug friendly bachelor with kids pad with me, I would be pissed.
Cut back to Abby… trying to get her creative on… again… See the theme here? But this time she has wine! And lots o' wine!
Flash to Paul's pad. He suggests over freshly prepared Chinese takeout he and the kids check out the apartment complex pool and hot tub {no you didn't read wrong there}. Or go bowling. Or play Monopoly. Bonus - the video games wifi connection doesn't work! Younger son now crying curled up in fetal position rolling side to side on sofa. The neighbors are screaming during "acting class". Daughter is missing shopping at TopShop with her bff's - NOOOOO!!! Not gonna lie - this is all making me smile. Don't get me wrong, I feel bad for the kids, it shouldn't be this rough of an adjustment. We need to remember non-working video games and missing shopping is a big adjustment for kids - kind of like the adjustment of not having money and worrying about becoming homeless is for parents going through divorce. So we all just can keep those crystal balls un-rubbed, because we know what Paul is gonna do right? Try to save the day by making phone calls and breaking promises.
Flashes in between all of this to Abby now drunk {God at least I hope so…} dancing in her skivvies with no blinds closed and a back wall filled with really clean all glass windows to rap music. Girlfriends got a body and moves - clearly no C Section for her! Not gonna lie - I call my formal living room that I had to sell all of the furniture for that belonged in there to afford the moving company after my divorce my "dance" room. Big empty room perfect for dancing, that just happens to be in the front of my house visible to everyone. And I have a disco ball. And rap music has played while I was dancing. And I'm gonna get crunk there to the new song I downloaded on iTunes during the commercial someday soon {Friday night to be exact}. And I have never ever ever been in my fancy underwear/bra combo. Because that would just be mean to my neighbors… and scare kids.
Now Abby gets out the ol' black fine point Sharpie and starts writing the improvements this plastic surgeon Dr. Marber everyone is encouraging her to go see on her body. Because nothing says I'm moving on to a better life like bigger or better boobs do. {Maybe that's where I went wrong…} As in writing ALL over her body. Because when we feel unworthy mentally, let's just draw all over our body where we perceive ourselves unworthy physically! Then she calls in the help of The Girlfriends - the inevitable SOS call {how do you think Holiday and I met?!? I'm gonna let her write in the comment section below on that one!!!}
EWG Tip: Better boobs, thinner thighs, leaner love handles will not make you happier in the first few months of your divorce. Let the arrows all stop flying before you ever even contemplate going under a real knife. Focus on eating a balanced diet and doing things that are GOOD for your head and body {aka yoga and meditation - not downing a bottle of vodka just because you heard it is low-carb}. If you want "improvements" that you feel best represent the new and stronger you once you are "official" than go for it! You'll thank us for this some day - we promise.
Then Abby tries to fix the window - drunk, in her panties, with her body flaws all mapped out like in a side of beef butcher cut perfection. And gets stuck, literally. Yet again, our metaphor has not let us down, our Girlfriend is stuck. Neighbors call help. Girlfriends arrive. Abby is unstuck, but only physically, not metaphorically. {Yes Bravo, I am available to be a guest script writer.}
Girlfriends show up with vodka sans catsuits and explosives but with a big fatty!!! Paul's girlfriend just shows up - which is the teenage equivalent of showing up with vodka, cat suits, explosives, duct tape, and glitter!!!! {Love this ecard on our FB page - must check out} And she simply suggests going bowling, which is not so lame anymore to the kids, and voila! The night is saved for Paul!!! Oh yeah - and the soon-to-be-ex-brother-in-law {is this really a word?!?} and his partner now answer Paul's previous SOS call and decide to join in. Because helloooo - Becca is a star!!! And hellooooo - Abby would be BEYOND pissed if she wasn't about to get even more drunk / high / and wild with the markers again!
So the kids and Paul bowl. And the partners, and kids, and star girlfriend sing karaoke. To the theme song from The Breakfast Club. How aprapo… {btw - that film was based on my high school - no joke John Hughes went to my high school!} And the Girlfriends get high and figure out the app controlled vibrator, and go in her daughter's bedroom to deface the poster of Paul's star girlfriend. Sounds about right to me.
Woosh - back to reality. Abby is a Mom - and mom's can't lose their shit - especially not on their kids or on their kids poor choice of bedroom wall art while high on tv {oh wait - this one is scripted…}. But if they do, nothing says sober me up like having Phoebe's driver drive you all around L.A looking for a replacement poster of your soon to be ex's younger woman that you just defaced with your Girlfriends. Hello awesome to the "extras" they find while on the "poster crusade" like the cool slinky eye glasses, white wig, and donut powder {will do instead of glitter}. Especially love that the Girlfriends find the non-English faux replacement poster at a store called "Stars of Hollywood". Because who is the real star? The stoned Mom and Girlfriends trying to make sure their kids go unscathed and unharmed during a divorce? Or the star who is starring not only in the Mom's kids lives right now at Lucky Strikes bowling ally but also on that damn poster. {Keep em coming Bravo!!!}
Lyla then remembers/admits/mentions out loud with major regret that she has an ace up her sleeve - Dalia {hell on heels attorney that tried to screw her earlier that day - catch up people} can get the poster they are on the hunt for if she asks her. Hooray!!! Hell to pay at work for Lyla calling in a favor of the devil - but hooray!!! Then they track the yogurt truck - which was way easier to do than the poster thankfully because I was starting to feel stoned too and I don't do drugs. Double scoop hooray!!!
While at the yogurt truck, Abby says one of the most hit home quotes to this Ex-Wife… "I would have killed for a night alone in my house when I was married, now that I get it I fell apart." Lyla replies "Of course! Because it's a different kind of alone. Now you're a-looone. Alone." We get it, we get it big time. Alone by choice is one thing. Alone not by choice totally a different thing, especially when that not by choice is divorce. Fresh divorce full of the fruit of anger and spite and bad choices ripe for the picking.
EWG Tip: Neither one of us Ex-Wives thought we would ever have to spend a day away from our children not by choice. But we did. Yes the first, second, and third time sucked our kiddos packed up their Pottery Barn backpacks for Daddys. Pretty much sucked the first three months of back and forth every other weekend if we're being honest. But cheer up - we promise after awhile you will actually look forward to your "alone" time, as well as be way more productive with your time - as in you won't wake up with a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to your face and not remember how it got there.
Here comes my next favorite scene and quote starring Dalia who remarks "Oh Lyla - you've got a thousand bucks worth of cocaine on your chest or you're getting it on with Mr. Donut." She was getting it on with Mr. Donut. Busted. Busted by your nemesis but take it like a champ for the sake of your Girlfriend and because damn were those donuts good. Without missing a beat or an opportunity to show why she is the better attorney, besides the fact she hasn't been making out with donuts while looking for a teen poster, Dalia hands over the holy grail of posters from her chauffeured Mercedes. Search over, at least for the poster.
Poster hung, Girlfriends hugged, told she is a great Mom and it's all going to be okay. Uses markers wisely this time. Good girl.
EWG Tip: It will all be okay. It will all be okay soon. It will always all be okay. {Ruby slippers clicked three times for good measure.} Just remember this one thing and make it your mantra.
Next morning - hear the bestest sound in the entire Universe - the sound of your babies returned home safely after their first night away with your soon to be ex. And Abby wisely remarks to her soon to be ex as he walks through the door "It shouldn't be a story" when Jake of course starts out by saying "It's a long story". And boom… Jake is served. Broke the most important rule no introducing kids until someone is a significant other. The very first time. The boom suddenly becomes a boomerang and Paul retorts that maybe Becca is a significant other. Uggghhh. Served back. Then the younger son finds Mommy's sci-fi vibrator bringing it to her asking her in front of Daddy what it is after getting KO'd Australian style just moments ago. Smugly he remarks "I thought we weren't going to introduce the kids to significant others?"
As if things couldn't get worse her teenage daughter takes down the poster {yep supposedly now they are "whatever" - wasted last nights Robin Hood feet while wasted}. She'd rather print out the Instagram pics she took with Dad's star girlfriend Becca - which is quickly expanding her social circle. When Abby questions her daughter on if this is really the way to earn friends it is as if the kangaroo with the boomerang from downstairs comes hopping in with an evil baby Joey who BOOM - throws one again. The reply? "You're just jealous because she's pretty and young". She also says bratty teenagery sassy stuff like Dad's awesome and you're not and you're alone. Let's just say this might be the one and only time I was glad my son was newly 3 when I had my first night "alone" - after watching this scene.
To wrap up this 24 hours from hell{o} nicely we see Abby and her brother volunteering at the school during drop off. Not so sure I would have wanted to be side by side up close and personal with someone I just kind of betrayed while holding a huge wooden sign she could hit me with, but okay, it was pretty much in public and a place you shouldn't be making a scene. Bottom line; Jake is moving on and Abby realizes she needs to also. Brother forgiven. She just wants to feel like she has first dibbs. Totally get it. I would have never let him off this hook this easily, especially not while holding a huge wooden sign perfect for hitting.
This episode o'fun tapers off with Lyla's meeting with the Principal I mentioned above {it rocked} and heavy hearts for her situation. So many of us have been there, done that, own the closet full of t-shirts when it comes to sacrifices we have to make as working mothers. The ending? Well of course it is Abby fixing the broken window with a power tool now officially shutting it {hello metaphor friend}, closing her computer screen to her current creativity crisis, and returning the text she got yesterday from the married Dad who has the hots for her. Low and behold, the window that was just fixed to shut springs open again. God I love me some metaphors. But what do I love more??? This episode and this show!!!
EWG Tip: Never force shut anything. Because we promise it will come crashing open again. This is just like your divorce. Breathe, hire a handy man, let it close on it's own time.
EWG Tip#2: Never get involved with a married man. Because karma is always a bigger bitch than you could dream of. And shutting one thing to open another that should be shut anyways goes against gravity. And gravity is our friend - especially if you haven't had your boobs done yet.
Stay tuned for next week when the real Ex-Wives Guide to Divorce dish on the GGTD on Bravo!
Love, Valerie (of the EWG)
