Yes, that's right. While the kids were delicately placing their favorite ornaments among the pine needles, singing their hearts out with the Pandora Christmas station, I slipped away to my bedroom to cry.
I might need to rephrase this for the purpose of authenticity...
I wasn't crying. I was sobbing.
The worst part? I really didn't know WHY I was crying. When my sweet husband realized I was falling apart he gave me the deer in headlights look..."What is going on? What is wrong? Why are you so upset?"
Bless. His. Heart.
There was nothing he could do.
My heart was flooded with emotion. Childhood memories raced through my head, nostalgic traditions and flashbacks of previous years...disappointments and feelings of sadness...missing my family and wishing we could all be together...they all hit me like a MACK truck. It was like the perfect storm.
But these tears weren't just for me...I had feelings of sadness for our kids. For the pain I know they feel and the tugging on their hearts during this time of year. The frustration of having to spend Christmas Eve/Christmas going back and forth between mom and dad, never getting to just chill at home like the rest of their friends. They didn't ask for divorce. They didn't ask for two separate homes or step parents. Thankfully our children have adapted well (we have 4 combined), but I know it's hard for them. It was hard for me and my parents got divorced when I was 18.
That, girlfriends, is what we call mommy divorce guilt.
It's been over 4 years since my divorce, but the little things still get me sometimes. Like finding an ornament we picked out together, or hearing a song that reminds me of our family...before it was broken. Seeing my daughter's "My First Christmas" ornament and realizing that she's almost 10...and this just might be the last year she believes in Santa.
My "moment" lasted for about an hour. I just had to get it out. I am abundantly blessed. I truly love my life, my husband, our family, and the home we have created together. Truth be told, I am happier now than I have been in a really really reaaaallllly long time. So among the sadness were also some happy tears : )
I share this with you today for 2 few reasons...
- I promised myself I would always be authentic and transparent with our readers and our audience...even if that makes me vulnerable.
- If my story can help someone feel less alone, less hurt, or give them hope then it's worth it (same reason why Valerie and I wrote The Ex Wives Guide to Divorce).
I want to encourage you, girlfriends, to embrace your tears (whether they are sad ones or happy ones), and remember that this is only a season. Whether you are in the middle of a divorce, facing a divorce, or perhaps a few years out like me, remember you are not alone.
I wish all of you a very Merry Christmas...and cheers to a new year!
Much Love,
Holiday xo
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