Q and A sessions that have left me vulnerable and soul searchingly honest in a way I never dreamed I'd be capable of. And I swear alcohol or wine wasn't even involved in like 95% of those conversations!!! I've been explaining the things that my friends just assumed, and never really asked. Maybe out of respect of not wanting to make me feel uncomfortable, or maybe because they just didn't want to know! {Sometimes not knowing is better - TRUST me!} However our book release seems to be giving them the green light to fire away and challenge me to lightening rounds of really good Jeopardy approved Daily Double like questions.
In the past, when I'm asked uncomfortable questions about being divorced I normally come up with something funny and witty so that everyone can laugh and we can go back to focusing on the here and now instead of my not so stellar past. ANYONE who has ever been divorced has experienced this as well. It's how I came up with my saying "Always the bride, never the bridesmaid!" Because when you're sitting at a dinner party and somebody asks if you are married and you say no I'm divorced or not any more, and then inevitably they ask when or how long ago - well to me life is best spent avoiding lying. Especially to people we barely know. So when I answer honestly {I don't want karma biting me in the butt anymore than it already has to!} that I have been married more than once, actually three times, then their eyes get huge, and their mouths drop open, and then everyone else that heard you is now staring, and then well you get creative. My saying puts them on notice that not only am I clever, but I'm the type of girl who makes lemonade out of lemons.
Because isn't it sooo much easier if the burning spotlight on your past mistakes
can just move over a few feet or so onto something way more deserving...
Like how amazing are these little wieners in a blanket I just ate ten of
and isn't the weather just ahhmazing tonight?!?
Then the ol' lightbulb went off... What if these well intended, thought provoking, almost probing like questions about my past were being asked more out of concern then wanting to drill me since they were coming from good friends well after the point these kind of questions should have been asked? I got the pretty clear feeling it was as if my friends knew Holiday and I were going to have a spotlight on ourselves shortly, and there would be no moving it with a witty comeback or two. It's as if they were thoughtfully prepping me for the onslaught of judgement and assumptions that come with being divorced more than once and actually CO-WRITING A BOOK ABOUT IT WITH YOUR FIRST EX-HUSBANDS SECOND EX-WIFE and admitting it to the world loud and proud and in print.
My past mistakes - poor choices, poor decisions, and poor expectations - well they don't scare me.
Not sharing them so that I can help save others from the pain and heartache I've experienced?
Well that did scare me.
So I'd like to highlight a few of the Q and A Round 1 questions I have been asked. Because if any of you ever find yourself getting similar questions - I'd challenge you to also be straightforward and honest instead of witty and humorous all the time {or sassy and emotional - please don't be that except with your bff's!}. Because maybe by being raw and vulnerable one day we'll take away the judgement and stigmata that so often unfairly comes with being divorced:
Q - Are you afraid that after your book comes out everyone will come running to you two for advice?
A - Damn we hope so! Actually they already are and have been for some time! Isn't that what we're here on Earth to do - help others if you've already been through something tough!
Q - Aren't you afraid that after everyone comes running to you for advice they'll blame you both if they get divorced?
A - We don't advise people to get divorced. We advise them to really think about what the root of their marital problem is, exhaust every effort to fix it, and if that doesn't work then move forward in an organized, head held high and firmly on kind of way. If their spouse is abusive - well then we tell them to run as fast as they freaking can and if we get blamed for that advice I think we as well as 99.999% of people out there would be okay with that.
Q - Why have you personally been divorced so many times? You seem so normal. {Definitely my favorite quote and question out of the bunch..}
A - I got married twice in my early twenties. I was ill-equipped to understand what marriage entailed having a father that was cruel and abandoned my siblings and I during my parents nasty divorce. I also watched Days of Our Lives way too much - great example of what to do if demons ever took over my body but bad examples of drama and fighting. I married men that had some issues at that time - I was in to fixing the wounded bird who just needed extra love and they'd be mended and perfect and take flight and love me forever. {Holy freaking naive would be pretty accurate.} Instead of fixing others I should have focused on fixing myself. I think it's fair to say I had my fair share of issues as well back then, largely in part with never feeling like I was enough or worthy of love. Even though I always came off incredibly confident I was actually incredibly insecure. So by having someone say they loved me and that they wanted me to be their wife made me feel like maybe I wasn't all that bad. My third marriage completely shocked me with how and why it ended. I thought I was better equipped to mean and say my vows... but that didn't necessarily mean my husband was. There were definitely red flags everywhere both before and during my marriage, but I found ways to ignore them and get angry about every little thing so I could sweep the big things under the rug for the sake of not losing my dream of having a family and raising my child with both parents unlike I did. All three of my marriages proudly made me who I am today. And I have the most incredible son and co-parent pretty well {note this took 5 LONG years and learning to let go big time}. And btw - "normal" is only a setting on a washing machine.
Q - Do you slam men and your ex-husbands in your book?
A - No way Jose. And why would we want to do that - our book is about empowering women and has very little to do with their, or our, ex-husbands.
Q - Since you've been married three times and you co-wrote a book about divorce, does this mean you don't believe in marriage?
A - I've been married three times. Clearly I believe in marriage - otherwise I would never have gotten married. Although all of my marriages failed - I really do believe in the fairy tale and all forever kind of love and union. It may not be as shiny and glittery and only reserved for the one and only soul mate I once thought it to be, however I still believe in a happily ever after for those who put in the love, work, and commitment that goes into a marriage.
Q - Will you or your co-author {Holiday} ever get married again?
A - Holiday is happily re-married. Both her husband and her marriage are keepers. Me? Well if I've ever learned anything in life it's to never say never. I will admit, I'm incredibly happy being single these days. Some days I miss having someone to do sweet things for, or share intimate moments with. But love is love is love - and I've got a lot of it to give and a lot of it to share with the people in my life - with out without a title of Mrs.
Q - Do you give advice in your book how to screw your soon-to-be Ex?
A - No and Yes. No - we don't advise you to screw your Ex. Especially if you have children. You want their other parent to be as emotionally and financially stable as possible. In our experience if your Ex is happy they will pretty much leave you alone and let you get on with your happy self! Yes - we do arm women with the kind of advice, tools, and information that will most likely help you end up with a more favorable outcome. You will learn that an actual "legal divorce" has no room for being overly emotional - you will have your s#@t together and this will help you save money, time, and sanity. So although this is not technically screwing your Ex, you will certainly have a few ace cards up your sleeve after reading our book!
Life... it's all about paying it forward. So that's what Holiday and I are doing. We're not telling women to get divorced. We're not telling women to screw their ex-husbands. We're not telling women that marriage sucks. And we're certainly not bashing any men or our ex-husband(s). However we are charging women that if they do find themselves in the process of divorce - they should get organized are realize they are NOT alone - we're here to help! And I think that's the one answer to my friends Q and A's that will last WELL beyond Round 1.
Love, Valerie {of The Ex-Wives}
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