An open letter to Angelina Jolie Voight Miller Thornton
Pitt:
Hi Angelina. You
might not know me, but I’m Valerie, one of The Ex-Wives from the book The Ex-Wives’ Guides to Divorce.
See I too have several last names thanks to marriage and
ultimately divorce. However all of my
last names began with the same letter {Valerie Johnson Sanford Smith Shepherd}
and yours did not. So essentially I got
to keep my monogrammed towels. And you did not. But you
have an airplane and speak in front of UNICEF and raise 6 kids – so you might
actually have the better end of that bargain when we get to Heaven. Okay… if I get to Heaven.
My co-author Holiday and I really felt the need to write
you, as fellow Ex-Wives’ and all.
Especially with you filing for divorce from the name that shall not be
mentioned. No, not Voldemort silly,
we’ll just rhyme it for informational purposes for the rest of this letter. Fad Sitt.
See, when you dated Fad Sitt for a decade and adopted /
birthed / conjured up 6 beautiful little souls during your courtship we were
rooting for you. Family's come in all different shapes and sizes these days, and we're down with that. As mothers ourselves we
know what it’s like to take care of one or two children, so now factor in six
and we just knew how bad you wanted to drink every night. But it seems Fad Sitt was drinking all your
alcohol. Yikes.
So as you face the beginning stages of divorce here are our
best pieces of advice
that can be found in our book The Ex-Wives’ Guide to Divorce.
We would love to send you a copy of our ultimate divorce organizer and
planner personally, but we don’t know “your people”. Shocker I know, especially since we just met
Beyonce at iHeart radio in Houston on our media tour. See our proof, I mean pic below. Instead we’ll just give you the link here to
our website and if you our your peeps email us we’ll be sure to pop one in the
post to your new swank bachelorette / single mom of 6 pad in Malibu. www.exwivesguide.com.
Traditionally some of our bestest advice contains nuggets
like “Get your head out of the sand!”, “Hiring an attorney is not an option if you
have childrenssssss!!” {added 6 s’s for you on that one}, and “Develop a budget
where you won’t have to depend on your soon-to-be Exes income!!!”. But it appears
you already have all of those handled. And
by handled, we mean bulldogging it by the horns, which is a cool new term we
learned this week on our Houston, TX leg of our media tour. Bulldogging is defined as: “a rodeo event in which
a horse-mounted rider chases a steer, drops from the horse to the
steer, then wrestles the steer to the ground by grabbing its horns and pulling
it off-balance so that it falls to the ground. The event carries a high risk of
injury to the cowboy.” Or in your case Angie… to the cowgirl.
But fear not cowgirl mommy of 6 little
calves!!! See below some of our best
takeaways from our book The Ex-Wives’
Guide to Divorce.
TOP 5 PIECES OF
ADVICE FOR ANGELA JOLIE VOIGHT MILLER THORNTON PITT:
1.
Be
Better, Not Bitter. Yes, you read
that right. It is sooooo easy to go down
the bitter HOV speedlane. But don’t. Please don’t.
If you don’t, we know all of America will break back out the “Team Angie”
and "Team Jolie" t-shirts tucked away in their memory chests next to the smashed up Friends
episode VCR tape. We know you’re pissed
about what happened on the plane. We
know you want to kick him where it counts because of his rumored marital vow
breaking behaviors. But don’t. Please don’t.
Focus on being and creating a BETTER you {and world} instead of focusing
on him. Highlight and share what you’re
doing to make lemonade out of lemons instead of chucking yellow citrus at him
so he can suck it via the press. Your future self will
thank you for it.
2.
Surround
yourself with people that will help you navigate the shark infested waters of
divorce and get you to safety. Avoid those who will poke holes in your
lifeboat and try to drown you. Now
more than ever you will need your friends who have your back. Or Assistants. Or whatever fancy people have. In our chapter “Choose Your Crew” we
highlight the type of friends you will need to lean on: Fun Friend, Safe House Friend, Straight
Shooter Friend, Listener Friend, and last but not least an In The Weeds
Friend. All of these type of friends
will help bring something to the double leafed table {you know with all the
kids you have}. Your Straight Shooter Friend
“will not only let you know when you’re heading for a ride on the Crazy Train,
but will slap the ticket out of your hand and drag you out of the
station.” Something tells us you will
definitely need one of these friends. And if you're taking applications we would like to apply.
3.
DON’T
drag your children into your feelings of anger. Keep those mama bear instincts intact and
protect your kidssssss. Trust us, we
know there will be a time when you’re flying in a top hair dresser to get you
all gussied up for some World Relief Fund banquet honoring you, and Fad Sitt
will pick up the “6 Pack” a little over 3 hours late, speeding up to the
security iron gate call box, on a freaking motorcycle instead of the 8 now 7
passenger van like he should be. You’ll
want to strangle him. You’ll want to
break out the ol’ vile of blood round your neck and add a little more to it. All in front of the “6 Pack” Fad Sitt might
or might not have already drank.
But don’t do it Girlfriend. Just
call Enterprise (they rent vans you know!),
and they’ll drop it off in an hour flat.
We’re sure the kids would be happy to just play Ultimate Frisbee {7
player game} on your sprawling front lawn until it shows up. And you can high tail it out the minute your
security squad frisks him and gives him a breathalyzer to get your glam on
instead of making your children feel an ounce of your frustration.
4.
Divorce
is a legal transaction, not an emotional transaction. It is to be treated like a business, not like
a fresh perfectly ripe for a decade of highlights Jerry Springer episode. You wouldn’t show up to a board meeting with
high ranking International delegates crying or screaming or dropping A-bomb
worthy shockers of what is going on in your personal life with the sole
intention of destroying everything and anything in your path. Endless clips of he said she said is not
allowed in the board room {or in people’s living rooms}. Rather, you would walk in like the #girlboss
that you are, sophisticated, composed, and focused on improving your life and
the lives of others {aka the “6 Pack”} and show that not only do you and your
people have their S#%T together, but you mean biz’ness. Save the emotions for when you’re back at the
Bachelorette / Single Mom of Six Malibu Barbie Pad. Then you can lose it behind closed doors in
the panic room or something, anything away from the kids. Or you could come to Atlanta for a weekend
and we promise to make sure you have the bestest ever GNO where you can vent
about Fad Sitt, and we’ll make voodoo dolls of him, and create a girl power
throughout divorce mix CD for you with a custom circle label, and we’ll all
wake up with Taco Bell wrappers on our nightstands {okay that might just be us}
because what happens in the ATL stays in the ATL Angie!
5.
Keep your expectations in check. Yes you actually have the money to drag this
out and make life h-e-double hockey sticks for Fad Sitt. But although he might or might not have made
some bad parenting choices, do you really deep down inside feel he is of clear
and immanent danger to the kids? We’re
not saying just shrug and say, o well, let’s just hope he lays off the “booze,
sex, rock and roll baby - yeah!!!” while with our children. Rather we are saying set and enforce
realistic boundaries, but think ten years from now will our kids benefit or
bereave not having their father in their life while growing up. {AKA massive counseling bills in the future x
6}
We really do wish you, and any woman facing something as
difficult as a divorce the happily ever after most of us are eternally in
search of. And just remember… This too shall pass.
xo, Love The Ex-Wives'
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