Launch Week Back to the Look in her Eyes

This week is a big week for us Ex-Wives.  

It's finally here!!!  8.16.16 the OFFICIAL RELEASE DATE OF OUR BOOK
The Ex-Wives Guide to Divorce!!!

Wait... let's rephrase that - LAUNCH WEEK OF OUR BOOK!!!  

Wait one more time... FOUR LONG YEARS OF OUR HARD WORK, UNLIKELY FRIENDSHIP, TEARS, FEARS, AND MISTAKES IN OUR PAST WILL FINALLY BE IN PRINT AND RELEASED TO ALL OF YOU IN AN EFFORT TO HELP YOU NOT MAKE {HOPEFULLY} 

THE SAME MISTAKES WE DID!!!  

{Hard to squeeze that one in a tag line but probably the most accurate.}

I confided to Holiday that I was finding everything pretty hard emotionally with getting ready for our release.  Which is crazy, because you'd think I'd be stretched out relaxing in a luxe cabana on the turquoise blue beach found only on Cloud 9 of course, with my name on the back printed in gold cursive reserved for the ENTIRE month.

However I'm feeling roller coaster emotions mostly like when I was getting divorced.  Where one day you wake up on top of the world!  And you almost high five yourself because damn girl you're strong and resilient and you did it!!  Like the feeling you get when running through a field of fresh daisies on a perfect spring morning in this seasons must have Anthropologie dress!!!  {I have never done this but could only imagine it would be the most ultimate feeling in the world akin to celebrating a big accomplishment.}

And then BOOM.  

Something catapults you emotionally back to where it all started.  

Like needing to find pictures in your 10,000+ library of photos 

around when you and your co-author first connected.  

A seemingly should be fun task that has you in tears and wanting to vomit 

because naturally you start looking at all the other pictures around that time. 

And by around that time I mean during our divorces.

As I clicked my left arrow and right arrow slowly across my events in iPhoto - I couldn't help but feel a giant knot in my stomach.

Sure there were sprinklings of good memories, but overlaying the happy were also the many"bad memories" that only I could or would be able to recognize.  From the outside these perfectly filtered captured moment appeared like life was normal as usual.

That picture of my son sitting in my lap at Thanksgiving during my divorce?  Well as I choked back delicious turkey and not so delicious tears at my sister's neighbors house, what you don't "see" or know is my son was technically supposed to be with my Ex.  But he was with me, and his Dad was running very late, oh and I threw up a couple times that day because I was just a little upset to put it mildly.  

And that picture of me with Holiday and our kiddos on a Memorial Day trip to Destin on the beach?  

Well although we look incredibly happy, and the kids were grinning ear to ear {except during nap or bed time, that was mostly not happy} and we really were having a super time, neither one of us had ever dreamed our futures would hold trips without our children's fathers and us being divorced.

And although you don't "see" it - it showed. 

I think what saddened me the most, and regretting that I ate two lunches that day I had to dig up old photos this past week, was that I knew I had seen that look on Holiday's face before.   Looking like she's trying to have the time of her life but it's plain as day in her eyes...  that "It was supposed to be different" look.

And if I'm being honest, I had seen it long before our Memorial Day trip photos {where the idea for our much needed The Ex-Wives Guide to Divorce planner was born!}. The very first time she reached out to me on Facebook I noticed it. She and my Ex, her then husband, wanted to reach out and say hey because we had some mutual friends.  Being 7 months pregnant I was feeling the love everywhere - so normally I might not have said "Sure Ex husband and your 2nd wife who looks super nice and cool - let's connect!!!".

I remember quickly scanning those pictures Holiday had all over her FB wall, normally reserved for stalking an ex or his girlfriend or wife or whatever, but here mine was legit because we were actually FB "friends" and they initiated it!.  Their new amazing house, them on the same pontoon boat with my Ex's family I had been on just ten years before, their growing family with beautiful girls.  The pictures with Holiday and her girls were magazine worthy.  The picture with Holiday and our Ex though told a much different story.  At least to me.

Just like my many photos that seemed like everything was fine, I could see that LOOK in her eyes...

THAT ONLY A WOMAN WHO HAD BEEN THROUGH THE SAME THING 

OR HAD BEEN IN SIMILAR SITUATIONS UNDERSTOOD...

That look of I should be happy because I have the family I always wanted but this is not the life I think I should be living.  Things are not right.  Things are not as perfect as I'm pretending they are.  Things are not as they should be not just in my mind but in my heart.

But I'm going to smile, cradle my little girls, link my arm around my husband, and pretend it is.  

At least for this shiny happy picture.

So when Holiday finally reached out to me at the beginning of her divorce via Facebook message, saying I might be "the only person that might possibly understand what I'm going through", well I already understood.  And not just because I too, had divorced her husband.  But because I had witnessed for the couple years we had been Facebook friends the look in her eyes.

Other ex-wife or not, you NEVER want to see a wonderful woman go through pain, 

or lose the dream you know she had of having a forever family.  

Especially when you knew you lost yours as well.

Hopefully this week during the release of our book, we can start filtering and posting photos of two women who came together {despite an unlikely beginning} hoping to make a brighter future for not only ourselves, but for the many other women out there that are having to create a new vision of what their life will be.  Just like we did.

And if we just spare one of you from making mistakes or feeling unnecessary pain, 

while giving you a Girlfriend to have by your side,

well then we shall consider our book a success - New York Times best seller list or not.

{Although p.s.: We really hope it is!!!}

Love, Valerie {Ex-Wife #1}

ORDER YOUR COPY HERE!  https://www.amazon.com/Ex-Wives-Guide-Divorce-Everything-Heartache/dp/151070406X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1471301475&sr=8-1&keywords=ex+wives+guide+divorce

Meet the Ex-Wives!

Well, HELLO!

Over the past few years we have happily increased our audience and welcomed many new followers to our blog and website. If you're a new reader or just now hearing about us we thought we'd take a few minutes to re-introduce ourselves. We can't wait to meet you!

We are the Ex-Wives…also known as Holiday & Valerie. We’re tall blondes that share a passion for writing, a gift for gabbing, and...an ex-husband.

Yes, really! Our unique friendship began after we both married and divorced the same man!

It didn’t take long for us to become close friends; more like sisters. It was during a Memorial Day weekend getaway with our kids that the dream of a book was born. Yes, we went on vacation together, and it just so happens our ex-husband let us borrow his portable DVD players AND gas card just to ensure proper entertainment for the children and worry-free gas expenses.

So, WHY did we write The Ex-Wives’ Guide to Divorce?

It’s simple.

We wrote the book we WISHED we had had during our divorces.

At the time we connected as friends, Valerie was in the process of her 3^rd divorce and Holiday was just beginning her journey. We compared notes, color coordinated files, and beautifully designed worksheets to help keep us organized and on track…we created our own personal “divorce binders” because let’s face it, we had wedding planners to get us down the aisle, but when it came to divorce there was NOTHING out there. We googled our little hearts out but the only results we found were legal, depressing, and quite frankly, aesthetically unappealing books. Divorce is depressing enough, the last thing you want to read is an ugly book filled with doom and gloom…no thanks!

It didn’t take long for us to realize something that inevitably changed our lives forever…

Women all over the world needed what we had.

Aside from the organizational tools, Valerie had extensive experience with the actual divorce process, including attorney interactions, mediation, and financial disputes. She took Holiday under her wing and guided her, ultimately saving her from making numerous mistakes…not to mention thousands of dollars.

Above all, we realized how important our friendship and “ex-wives bond” was.  We encouraged each other, walked each other “off the cliff”, and helped each other see the glass of lemonade half-full. Neither of us had friends who were going through divorce, so we understood each other. And if there’s one thing we’ve learned during divorce it’s this: friends who “get” you are priceless. If you ramble on to your attorney and have a meltdown over your soon-to-be ex the only thing you’ll get in return is a big fat bill….hello, $200/hour.

It’s been just over four years since beginning this journey together, and we are proud to announce the launch of our book, TheEx-Wives’ Guide to Divorce, this month. Our mission has remained the same since day 1: to help and empower women as they navigate through what may be the hardest time of their lives, encouraging them to find their “happily ever after”...with or without a husband.

Stay tuned, girlfriends, for more from the Ex-Wives!

Valerie (ex-wife #1) & Holiday (ex-wife #2)

Q and A's - Round 1

As our book nears it's release date {hurry hurry August 16th!!} Holiday and I have been bombarded with a ton of questions lately.  Sure we've been doing some interviews and putting some nuggets out there for PR and promotional purposes, however personally I'm getting several "I actually have to stop and think about my answer" type questions from people I've known for quite some time.

Q and A sessions that have left me vulnerable and soul searchingly honest in a way I never dreamed I'd be capable of.  And I swear alcohol or wine wasn't even involved in like 95% of those conversations!!!  I've been explaining the things that my friends just assumed, and never really asked.  Maybe out of respect of not wanting to make me feel uncomfortable, or maybe because they just didn't want to know!  {Sometimes not knowing is better - TRUST me!}  However our book release seems to be giving them the green light to fire away and challenge me to lightening rounds of really good Jeopardy approved Daily Double like questions.

In the past, when I'm asked uncomfortable questions about being divorced I normally come up with something funny and witty so that everyone can laugh and we can go back to focusing on the here and now instead of my not so stellar past.  ANYONE who has ever been divorced has experienced this as well.  It's how I came up with my saying "Always the bride, never the bridesmaid!"   Because when you're sitting at a dinner party and somebody asks if you are married and you say no I'm divorced or not any more, and then inevitably they ask when or how long ago - well to me life is best spent avoiding lying.  Especially to people we barely know.  So when I answer honestly {I don't want karma biting me in the butt anymore than it already has to!} that I have been married more than once, actually three times, then their eyes get huge, and their mouths drop open, and then everyone else that heard you is now staring, and then well you get creative.  My saying puts them on notice that not only am I clever, but I'm the type of girl who makes lemonade out of lemons.

Because isn't it sooo much easier if the burning spotlight on your past mistakes 

can just move over a few feet or so onto something way more deserving... 

Like how amazing are these little wieners in a blanket I just ate ten of 

and isn't the weather just ahhmazing tonight?!?  

Then the ol' lightbulb went off... What if these well intended, thought provoking, almost probing like questions about my past were being asked more out of concern then wanting to drill me since they were coming from good friends well after the point these kind of questions should have been asked?  I got the pretty clear feeling it was as if my friends knew Holiday and I were going to have a spotlight on ourselves shortly, and there would be no moving it with a witty comeback or two.  It's as if they were thoughtfully prepping me for the onslaught of judgement and assumptions that come with being divorced more than once and actually CO-WRITING A BOOK ABOUT IT WITH YOUR FIRST EX-HUSBANDS SECOND EX-WIFE and admitting it to the world loud and proud and in print.

My past mistakes - poor choices, poor decisions, and poor expectations - well they don't scare me. 

Not sharing them so that I can help save others from the pain and heartache I've experienced?  

Well that did scare me.  

So I'd like to highlight a few of the Q and A Round 1 questions I have been asked.  Because if any of you ever find yourself getting similar questions - I'd challenge you to also be straightforward and honest instead of witty and humorous  all the time {or sassy and emotional - please don't be that except with your bff's!}.  Because maybe by being raw and vulnerable one day we'll take away the judgement and stigmata that so often unfairly comes with being divorced:

Q - Are you afraid that after your book comes out everyone will come running to you two for advice?
A - Damn we hope so!  Actually they already are and have been for some time!  Isn't that what we're here on Earth to do - help others if you've already been through something tough!
Q - Aren't you afraid that after everyone comes running to you for advice they'll blame you both if they get divorced?
A - We don't advise people to get divorced.  We advise them to really think about what the root of their marital problem is, exhaust every effort to fix it, and if that doesn't work then move forward in an organized, head held high and firmly on kind of way.  If their spouse is abusive - well then we tell them to run as fast as they freaking can and if we get blamed for that advice I think we as well as  99.999% of people out there would be okay with that.
Q - Why have you personally been divorced so many times?  You seem so normal.  {Definitely my favorite quote and question out of the bunch..}
A - I got married twice in my early twenties.  I was ill-equipped to understand what marriage entailed having a father that was cruel and abandoned my siblings and I during my parents nasty divorce.  I also watched Days of Our Lives way too much - great example of what to do if demons ever took over my body but bad examples of drama and fighting.  I married men that had some issues at that time - I was in to fixing the wounded bird who just needed extra love and they'd be mended and perfect and take flight and love me forever. {Holy freaking naive would be pretty accurate.} Instead of fixing others I should have focused on fixing myself.  I think it's fair to say I had my fair share of issues as well back then, largely in part with never feeling like I was enough or worthy of love.  Even though I always came off incredibly confident I was actually incredibly insecure.  So by having someone say they loved me and that they wanted me to be their wife made me feel like maybe I wasn't all that bad.  My third marriage completely shocked me with how and why it ended.  I thought I was better equipped to mean and say my vows... but that didn't necessarily mean my husband was.  There were definitely red flags everywhere both before and during my marriage, but I found ways to ignore them and get angry about every little thing so I could sweep the big things under the rug for the sake of not losing my dream of having a family and raising my child with both parents unlike I did.  All three of my marriages proudly made me who I am today.  And I have the most incredible son and co-parent pretty well {note this took 5 LONG years and learning to let go big time}.  And btw - "normal" is only a setting on a washing machine.
Q - Do you slam men and your ex-husbands in your book?
A - No way Jose.  And why would we want to do that - our book is about empowering women and has very little to do with their, or our, ex-husbands.
Q - Since you've been married three times and you co-wrote a book about divorce, does this mean you don't believe in marriage?
A - I've been married three times.  Clearly I believe in marriage - otherwise I would never have gotten married.  Although all of my marriages failed - I really do believe in the fairy tale and all forever kind of love and union.  It may not be as shiny and glittery and only reserved for the one and only soul mate I once thought it to be, however I still believe in a happily ever after for those who put in the love, work, and commitment that goes into a marriage.
Q - Will you or your co-author {Holiday} ever get married again?
A - Holiday is happily re-married.  Both her husband and her marriage are keepers.  Me?  Well if I've ever learned anything in life it's to never say never.  I will admit, I'm incredibly happy being single these days.  Some days I miss having someone to do sweet things for, or share intimate moments with.  But love is love is love - and I've got a lot of it to give and a lot of it to share with the people in my life - with out without a title of Mrs.
Q - Do you give advice in your book how to screw your soon-to-be Ex?
A - No and Yes.  No - we don't advise you to screw your Ex.  Especially if you have children.  You want their other parent to be as emotionally and financially stable as possible.  In our experience if your Ex is happy they will pretty much leave you alone and let you get on with your happy self!  Yes - we do arm women with the kind of advice, tools, and information that will most likely help you end up with a more favorable outcome.  You will learn that an actual "legal divorce" has no room for being overly emotional - you will have your s#@t together and this will help you save money, time, and sanity.  So although this is not technically screwing your Ex, you will certainly have a few ace cards up your sleeve after reading our book!

Life... it's all about paying it forward.  So that's what Holiday and I are doing.  We're not telling women to get divorced.  We're not telling women to screw their ex-husbands.  We're not telling women that marriage sucks.  And we're certainly not bashing any men or our ex-husband(s).   However we are charging women that if they do find themselves in the process of divorce - they should get organized are realize they are NOT alone - we're here to help!  And I think that's the one answer to my friends Q and A's that will last WELL beyond Round 1.

Love, Valerie {of The Ex-Wives}

Once Upon a Time...

Once upon a time I had a neighbor. We'll call her Sally, just for fun.

Sally lived next door to me, she had two boys, a husband (we'll call him Joe) and a dog. Our kids were close in age so we would typically chat on the sidewalk, supervising bicycle accidents and standard cul-de-sac shenanigans. Nothing too personal, just generic friendly neighbor chat.

I'll never forget the Halloween Sally and I got to rrreeeallllly know each other. Her husband had taken a group of kids around the neighborhood on a hay ride (mine included) and we were left hanging on the front porch together. Conversation was flowing naturally, and then she dropped the bomb.

"Joe doesn't want me hanging out with you...he's afraid you're going to convince me to divorce him."

I was completely shocked. What??? Did she really just say that? Yes, yes, indeed, she did. Then I realized something I had been oblivious to before...

I was "the one"...the token neighborhood single girl who had the guts to leave her husband, file for divorce, and move on with her life. On top of it all, I was in the process of co-writing a book about helping women survive and navigate the divorce process. My strength and courage intimidated this man. What a shame.

At that time I knew nothing about their marriage, but the thought of him intentionally keeping his wife from me was somewhat concerning. Time passed and I got to know the real Sally. She opened up, shared her heart, and was completely vulnerable with me. I think I was the only person in the world who didn't judge her for the truths her life was. I was the unconditional friend who could listen without judgement, the one person in her world who could possibly understand what she was going through.

Truth be told, her husband was extremely abusive and controlling (shocker), and after their move across town into their "dream home" filled with fancy furniture and all the fixins, she finally got the guts to walk away.

Newsflash, Joe...her decision to leave you had nothing to do with me...in fact, the truth is I encouraged her to stay. I prayed for her. I prayed for YOU. I encouraged her to seek counseling, to go to church and to dig into her Bible...I even shared my dating disaster stories with her, in hopes that she would see the truth...the grass is not always greener.

When I tell people I have co-written a book about divorce the initial reaction is "ohhhhhhh..."Like it's a hush-hush kind of thing. I've gotten used to this reaction, especially living in the south where the word "divorce" is just as bad as dropping the f-bomb.

The truth is this...just because we wrote a book about divorce doesn't mean we're running around town telling women to leave their husbands. If anything we are encouraging them to do the work to try and save their marriages.

Our goal in writing The Ex-Wives' Guide to Divorce was to HELP women not only survive the divorce process but recognize there can be some light at the end of that really dark, scary tunnel. Is the tunnel full of rainbows and unicorns? Absolutely not. But nothing in life is.

xoxo Holiday

Ex-Wives Guide to Girlfriends

Last week I was treated to a piece of heaven by my Girlfriends, in St. Thomas, at The Ritz.  One of "The Girlfriends" {as we call ourselves} had a free place for us to stay, in St. Thomas, at The Ritz.

And to put a cherry on top of that rum filled, sugar rimmed paradise place to stay in St. Thomas, at The Ritz {I think I keep repeating this because it hasn't really sunk in yet even though I'm already home...} one of my closest Girlfriends purchased my plane ticket for me in exchange for some writing and social media help I had given her over the past year. {Personally, I think I might have gotten the better end of that deal...}

You know, only the kind of thing a bonafied, genuine, forever kind of friend would do.  Because she and the other Girlfriends didn't want me to have to miss out yet again on the bi-annual trip...  Or maybe they just missed having someone to poke fun of because I normally provide a wide runway for my crash landings.

I missed the last two big Girlfriends trips because of things out of my control {tumors, divorce b.s., financial issues thanks to divorce b.s., and being really sick}.  And it sucked.  Suckedy sucked sucked sucked.  Mostly because I had missed out on making memories that stay fresh in the mind, but tight on the lips {as in with a BIG key} with forever friends of 20 - 40yrs like these Girlfriends who ALWAYS have your back. 

Trips with easy breezy, side splitting, loud laughing, snorting kind of fun times, 

mostly reserved for the ones who know too much so they will always be your friends.
Good times or bad, these gals are there for you.
Although each in a different way, they still would help you bury the body.
{Just kidding!!}

But this year I was going to be there in the flesh and not just in spirit with the Girlfriends to help laugh and snort and get into as much PG13 trouble as we could possibly stir up in the USVI's.  PG13 because all of us are 40+ and R rated just takes wayyyyy to much effort.

I had someone to watch my son {thanks Granma Clarkie!} was already assigned a side to a bed {sorry Kim for the snoring!} and ticketed {thanks Sunny!}.  Not even a hurricane was going to keep me away from the U.S.V.I's and The Girlfriends bi-annual trip.  Okay, well maybe a hurricane would have because I think they have rules and stuff about flying into the eye of a hurricane, but ONLY a hurricane.

There I was, day one, slung back in the type of hammock you drool over in Travel & Leisure, staring at paradise in St. Thomas, at The Ritz, {yep... still not reality} sipping my "Italian Ice" comprised of proof filled goodness next to my Girlfriends.  As I stared out into the Caribbean waters swirling with teal and azure blue, the colors my eyes both tried to soak up and mimic like a chameleon,  I started thinking about the book I co-wrote, The Ex-Wives Guide to Divorce.

More specifically, when writing the book, some of the content seemed to literally crash onto the computer screen with as much force as the waves before me in colors so bright that only God or the Universe could have created them.

It was as if those words had already been written,

and I was being used as a conduit in getting it down on paper. 

Especially in the Chapter "Choose Your Crew".  

See I was charged with editing as well as stringing together the ENTIRE book of what H and I had written - and in the final moments before the big turn-in date to our publisher I noticed something missing.  Although our ENTIRE book was a tribute and homage to Girlfriends and women on a whole - we didn't really go into detail as to the exact detailed type of Girlfriends we should have by our side during a divorce or marriage shake up!

The Girlfriends that of course have your back NO MATTER WHAT, but yet each bring something different to the table {or in the instance of divorce when you feel like the ship is sinking...}.

So I decided to add an entire section to our chapter H had mostly written... 

and the words came flowing out as beautifully colored as the Caribbean shades of blue before me. 

And I might be so bold to declare...  It was my FAVORITE section of not only that chapter, but the entire book.  Because describing each type of Girlfriend you want in your lifeboat to help you both weather the storms and help steer you to sunnier skies throughout life was easy peasy for me, as The Girlfriends sitting now lined up next to me one by one, beach chair by beach chair, were my living examples.

To my immediate right was C Money - A combination of a "Straight Shooter" and "Fun Friend".  Many a night during my first two divorces she would do my makeup - make me get out of my comfy pants - and strap me in her convertible blaring music while "Goin' a hundred, on the highway, so get the f#@! out of my way".  Fun was our priority, and damn if we weren't going to have it.  On the other hand she was also a Straight Shooter - if I started to complain or bemoan about my soon to be Ex - she was the first to point out "Well you knew he argued for a living, so why on earth were you surprised when all he wanted to do was argue with you?"  Much needed just deal with it and quit complaining advice.

Then there was Sunny - my "In The Weeds" Girlfriend that was willing to do the heavy lifting when all I had the ability to do was breathe. One particular time when I was at best a lump on the sofa, she brought over a gourmet pot pie, a couple bags full of groceries to re-stock my fridge, as well as her Dyson ball vacuum cleaner.  All because I told her that if I had the strength (or Doctors permission) I wished I could get on my hands and knees and thoroughly clean my floors.  So guess what she did - Dysoned and scrubbed every inch of my floors.  Like all good "In The Weeds" friends would do.

 Next to Sunny were Theresa and Janet, not Girlfriends I see all the time because one lives in a different state, and one is an International flight attendant.  However, through every divorce, every life change, every anything in my life {as well as everyone else's} they are the ones that are the super duper "Listener Friends".  When anyone is stressed, or scrambled, or confused - they whip out the flashlight to help guide you back to sanity while your mouth and thoughts run a mile a minute.  They both are the types that listen until nothing more can come out {thankfully}, and then offer to listen more if that's what you need.  Because they are extraordinary women.

And last but not least stretched out was Kim - who although I don't see her as often due to location as well - is my "Safe House" friend.  No matter what I {or anybody else for that matter} tell her, she is there to listen and not judge.  Although she herself is very conservative, anything that even fringes on cray cray is okay kay with her - because she is there to love and support and your side is the only side as far as she is concerned.

AND I know all of YOU have the exact type of friends,

and if you have ever been through a challenging time or divorce,

they were the ones that made sure you and your ship didn't sink.

There is your glance into proudly what is my bestest {I know bestest is not a word but it should be} section I personally wrote - and you'll find much more in the book The Ex-Wives Guide to Divorce.

{IS IT AUGUST 16th YET?!?  OUR RELEASE DATE CAN'T COME FAST ENOUGH!}

These Girlfriends had been there to support me through 3 divorces, 2 rounds with a tumor kicking my ass, 4 moves within the last 4 years during and after my latest divorce, and ONE really big financial devastation.  MAJOR dips in my life.  And now they were sitting next to me, here in paradise, during one of the best times in my life - the year I was healthy and would get to see my dream {BOOK} come to life.

So, I leave you with this - if I am ever quoted in the press or remembered for the legacy of this book, I hope it's for my quote below.  This one not only goes out to "The Girlfriends" - but to all of YOU.  May your Girlfriends always be the ones to share and support your ups and downs through both the storms and sunshine of life.

LOVE, Valerie {a.k.a Ex-Wife #1 and Topsy to The Girlfriends}

"In my opinion. family sees you for who you used to be and who you are today.  

Friends tend to see you for who you should or will be.  

It's as if they have had a secret viewing into the depths of your soul 

and the universe has sent them the key to help you unlock 

that authentic girl out from where she's hiding" - Valerie Shepherd

#blending #truth

Yesterday my husband and I celebrated our 2 year wedding anniversary. I'm not gonna lie...this has not been the easiest 2 years of my life. I could sugar coat things and paint a perfect picture by selectively sharing and posting nothing but the good things, but when it comes to writing this blog I'm committed to being 100% honest. Blending a family is no joke, and if I'm being perfectly honest, I understand now why they say almost all second marriages fail. We did our best to prepare ourselves for what was coming, but nothing can truly prepare you for blending a family. Not even a Brady Bunch marathon.

The truth is this: blending hurts. After all, who wants to be dumped in a plastic pitcher with razor sharp knife blades and get turned on high until everything is mixed together perfectly? No thanks.

Going through the process of divorce, dating again, and now, being married again, has been quite an eye-opening experience. Through this journey I have learned so much about myself...I have even become aware of many faults {gasp...I am sooo far from perfect}.

Moving into the role of stepmother completely rocked my world...and not because they aren't amazing kids (because I really couldn't have asked for better "step" kids)...but mostly because somewhere along the line I lost my identity. It's like you're a mom, but not really...and you're a friend, but not really...and then you're somewhere in limbo and have absolutely no idea what will happen next (think the Mad Hatter's Tea Cup ride at Disney World)...Again, nothing can really prepare you for the role of stepmother...you just have to dive in and keep swimming.

And just when you think you can't take it anymore, something magical happens...

They tell you they love you. They show an act of kindness. They give you a hug or cuddle with you on the couch. They open up to you or confide in you. They say a prayer for you. They may even take out the trash without being asked or empty the dishwasher just for fun (okaaay...maybe that's pushing it...) And just like that all the pain, all the hurt, all the tears, the frustration, the feelings of defeat...all of it disappears. And in that moment you are reminded of all of the GOOD that comes from this painful process known as blending.

Our "blended" family has given me so much more than I could have ever experienced on my own. My daughters have a big brother and sister they look up to and admire. They laugh and giggle together, they have learned the art of couch wrestling, they have burping and farting contests (no joke), and water gun fights in the backyard. They encourage each other, support each other, cheer for each other and stand up for each other. My daughters also have a wonderful stepdad who embraces them each day with love. He isn't their daddy but that's okay...he isn't trying to be. He is a loving example of a husband and a father, the kind of man I hope they marry one day.

This week we'll be heading out of town for a family vacation...and while the thought of being cramped for 8 hours in a car gives me borderline anxiety, I know the memories we'll make as a family will be cherished forever...by all of us.

People have asked me if I feel conflicted writing on our "divorce" blog even though I'm remarried...and the answer to that is no. Marital status doesn't define me, and it shouldn't define you, either. I hope my stories and truths can be a source of encouragement...even if the thought of dating again makes you want to puke (I totally get it!).

Life is a journey filled with ups and downs, victories and defeats...I'm doing my best to hang on for the ride. As I was looking through our wedding pictures last night this particular image really struck a chord with me...maybe it's because we're hanging on to each other as we walk down the path...maybe because it looks like he is leading me, and I am holding back. Symbolically there is probably some truth in that. Getting married again is scary. Blending a family is scary. But I do know when you hang on tight and keep moving forward things have a tendency to work out.

Maybe you're in a stage of hanging on, or maybe you're in a stage of letting go. There's only one piece of advice I feel qualified to give in this moment...and that is to never let go of yourself.

Full Circle

Last weekend we celebrated Memorial Day. The kids wrapped up yet another school year, and summer officially began. For most people Memorial Day represents celebrating those who sacrificed their lives for our country, sandwiched between backyard barbeques, a marathon of pool, lake or beach time, and the first sunburn of the season.

For me, Memorial Day weekend reminds me of the beginning of this crazy dream my newfound friend Valerie and I had...one of writing a book, sharing our stories, and helping the women of this world navigate and survive the process of divorce. Exactly 4 years ago this Memorial Day weekend we packed up our kids, stuffed Valerie's car to the brim, and headed to Destin for a trip to the beach. Our ex husband even let us borrow his portable DVD player so the kids could watch movies (I swear, I couldn't make this up if I tried!) The ex-wives were going on vacation and nothing was going to stop us!

So off we went...my first trip as a single mom. But I wasn't alone. Valerie and I channeled our inner Thelma and Louise (minus the convertible and bar hopping scandals) and the adventures began. I made fun of her granny-like driving...she made fun of me and my neurotic tendencies when my 2 year old had a full blown melt down in the sand. We laughed, we bonded, and best of all, our hearts joined together in this mission as we began the sketches of what would be our book, The Ex Wives' Guide to Divorce.

I will never forget this trip, in fact I reflect on those few days we spent together and smile. We had no idea where this little dream would lead us, but in that moment we became a team. I held down the fort with the kids (while they were dripping in popsicle juice and tracking sand through the condo), while Valerie ventured to Target. She returned with color coordinating binders (hers shades of green, mine shades of pink), fancy pencils, paper, highlighters, and of course, color coded divider tabs for what would be the beginnings of the chapters of our book.

When I checked TimeHop (I have a serious love/hate relationship with this app), this picture popped up. It brought tears to my eyes. How could it possibly have been 4 years ago when it seems like just a few weeks ago? I remember this trip, and this picture in particular, so clearly...then all of a sudden I felt old. Where had these 4 years gone? An entire range of emotions overcame me, almost like a tidal wave.

Later that night as I was opening my mail, I noticed a package on my front doorstep. I opened it up and couldn't believe my eyes. Our dream,our mission, our vision, our BOOK...everything we had worked so hard for for 4 years was finally IN. MY. HANDS.

And all of a sudden I realized exactly where those 4 years had gone. This particular moment is by far one of those "a-ha" moments I will remember forever. Tears of joy streamed down my face as I held our book in my hands...the Friday before Memorial Day weekend. Exactly 4 years after our adventure began, we now prepare to start a new chapter of sharing our dream with the world.

I took this picture just minutes after opening the package because I couldn't contain my excitement. This moment was full-circle at its finest.